


Back then

by Florivea



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Childhood Sweethearts, Coffee Shops, Established Relationship, Gangs, Injury, Love, M/M, Prostitution, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Wonho needs a hug, depressed yoo kihyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-08-03 23:04:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16334930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florivea/pseuds/Florivea
Summary: From one second to another, Wonho loses what matters most to him. How is he supposed to keep going, when his whole purpose simply disappears?But then circumstances change and with that things get under way Wonho couldn't have imagined in his wildest dreams, or worst moments of longing.Or:Kihyun has always been by Wonhos side.Not since the days where he can actively remember being alive - there have been a few lonely years in between where he was more or less all alone - but almost 20 years is enough for Wonho to call it an eternity.Life without Kihyun, he will laugh at anyone only mentioning the possibility.What a joke...Jokes can become reality.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to use this for another couple with another account, but I guess I simply can't without my usual pairing. I have other works but I usually write what I feel like at the moment and sometimes I can't take care of other projects because of that. I just wanted to say that I have given up non of my stories so I hope you can bear with me. Enjoy ~~~

 

 

Prologue Part 1

 

 

2016

 

 

 

            The air is strung to the breaking point in the office.

 

Any other day Wonho loves to be inside the room. It might be the smell of pine with a hint of cigarette or the big glass facade build west, so that the warm rays of the evening sun can fall directly into the office and paint everything a warm orange.

 

The colours remind Wonho of a lazy Sunday, where all he does is waking up next to Kihyun, staying in bed until it is too late to get up and simply falling asleep again.

 

They don't match the discussion going on behind closed doors.

 

The light falls on the wall right next to Wonhos hand. He wants to move just a tiny centimeter to the left so he can feel the warmth on his skin but he doesn't dare to. Anxiety is all that fills up his gut and right now even breathing too loudly seems like a bad option.

 

" So what you're telling me is that they ran off with my money? And far and wide there is no product for me to sell?"

 

His father's voice is quiet but you can still not overhear it. It is one of those voices you will recognize everywhere once heard, one of those that will put you on an emotional roller coaster just by using a few words.

 

Sometimes Wonho imagines his father being a dubbing actor.

 

Maybe, in another life.

 

Kang Yoon leans in his comfortable chair. Once, when he wasn't in the office Wonho tried it out and almost disappeared in the soft cushions.

 

His father has a lit cigarette in his hand. For a while now he hasn't taken a pull and Wonho is worried about the ashes falling on the carpet. Better concentrating on that than on the mess that is the man on the other side of the table.

 

" He- he never…", Lee Jung Ans voice is hollow when he starts talking. " It was a trick."

 

It is surprising how he came in full of confidence and now is a sweating and shaking mess. Wonho knows it is not the right place and time for it, but under his own mask of indifference he feels pity.

 

Maybe his father does the same. Wonho has never asked him about those things before. They do not yet have reached that stage of closeness.

 

" The product… it was pinched. But Park has always been trustworthy. I don't know what changed."

 

" And you couldn't figure that out before giving him my money?"

 

The long awaited drag on his cigarette.

 

" How much are we talking about again? Wonho?"

 

Wonho takes a small step away from the wall.

 

" 15 million in advance. 15 million at meeting day. Plus 4 million each for contact and middleman."

 

The air is thick with threat, Wonho hates the turmoil that is his stomach but his voice doesn't show one bit of it. He has been practicing a lot until now.

 

His father looks the tiniest but proud as his warm gaze grazes Wonho.

 

" Thanks, son."

 

As fast as the smile appeared it is gone when Kang Yoons attention is back on his subordinate.

 

" How much would that make?"

 

"I-I…"

 

"How much?"

 

Lee swallows audibly. " 38 million."

 

"Yes. 38 million Won I lost just like that. And for what? Did I get anything out of it?"

 

"No." he responds quietly.

 

Wonhos father flicks another bit of ash into the ashray.

 

" You got anything to tell me?"

 

The addressed wets his lips with a fast movement of his tongue.

 

" If there was anything I could tell you I would."

 

Wonho wants to trust him. Trusting his words would mean they could let him go and this would be over soon.

 

Trusting someone means no blood and screams and gore to get the truth out of them.

 

" This is where the problem starts."

 

The chair squeaks quietly when his father slightly moves to get into a more comfortable position."

 

" I swear…. I..."

 

For a moment he lost his words, then they start to tumble out of his mouth like crazy.

 

" Park has never betrayed me until now. For the past two years I worked for you he has always delivered the right amount on time. You never had any reason not to be a hundred percent satisfied. Now he is gone. No matter how many fucking times I try to call him - ", he chokes another time, swallows deeply before he continues." - he is not answering. My men can't find him. It's as if that bastard has vanished from the face of the earth."

 

Wonho puts his weight from one leg to another. His father has his eyes on the man, stares at him unwavering.

 

Twenty seconds, twenty five, close to forty. Wonho keeps track in his head.

 

" What do you think?"

 

Lees pitiful gaze lands on Wonho when his father addresses him. As if Wonho could help him out of this misery.

 

It is difficult to stay indifferent. Wonho has always been kind, attentive, someone that loves to help people. Here, those traits are out of place.

 

In moments like this Wonho always realizes he is not fully prepared yet to follow his father.

 

Might never be.

 

Deep down he regrets that he ever started to try.

 

" If he is telling the truth we need to find Park."

 

" If."

 

" We'll never know if we don't talk to both sides."

 

" I'm not sure if I care enough."

 

Another shudder goes through Lees body. It is in no way hot today, but still a lonely drop of sweat slowly rolls down his cheek and disappears beneath the collar of his shirt.

 

" He is too scared to betray you." Wonho concludes.

 

His father lifts his eyebrows. " Too scared?"

 

" In my opinion. You haven't even started yet and he panics. How could he ever betray you?"

 

" People do a lot just to gain money and status."

 

Wonho knows all too well. He has seen many good men come and go, whereas the leaving was forcefully after they had tried to deceive his father and their company.

 

" What do you suggest then?" his father continues.

 

" I'd try to figure out where the dealer disappeared to. If Lee is telling the truth the guy will know more. Park wouldn't be able to do this alone, there has to be someone in the back that pulls the strings.", he nods at the man. " Keep him around until then. And let him go when he tells the truth. If you finish him off now you might never get your money back."

 

His father takes his time to think about his words while taking in the green scenery in front of his window.

 

Wonho knows that Kang Yoon will always take his words into consideration. Still, how he decides in the end, Wonho can never be 100 % sure of. He hopes this time his words make a difference. The man looks too pitiful and even though Wonho never talked to him more than a few words, the pictures of what his father would do to Lee will surely hunt him for longer than he would like them to.

 

" It's a good thing my son is here."

 

Lee is tongue-tied by now, stares at the ground with wide eyes as if the panic finally got the best of him.

 

His father shortly pats Wonhos back.

 

" You know what to do?"

 

" Yes."

 

" Fast."

 

" Of course."

 

Wonho leaves the room and walks down the hallway to a quiet corner where he pulls out his phone to find a certain contact.

 

Baek has been working for his father since the days before Wonho joined them. If he can not find someone, there is a high chance that no one can. Wonho has his number as speed dial on 5th position.

 

There are four people more important in his life.

 

It takes him five calls and five minutes to realize that Baek might be busy.

 

He clicks his tongue in annoyance. His father is patient but this is too big of a deal to let him wait.

 

" Fuck." he quietly breathes out after the sixth futile time. He pulls his phone from his ear in frustration, pausing in the hallway for second when his gaze falls out the window on the huge front lawn, where he notices Kihyun in the grass. 

 

For a moment he stops in his tracks, taking in the other who is enjoying the last warm sunlight of the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kihyun has always been by Wonhos side.

 

Not since the days where he can actively remember being alive - there have been a few lonely years in between where he was more or less all alone -  but almost 20 years is enough for Wonho to call it an eternity.

 

Life without Kihyun, he will laugh at anyone only mentioning the possibility.

 

What a joke...

 

 

 

 

 

1998

 

 

 

            He meets Kihyun in a foster home, himself five years old, Kihyun four, with a face all puffy from crying too much after having been taken away from his alcoholic mother like Wonho not too long ago.

 

Wonho remembers the smallest details until today.

 

He is playing with his favourite playmobil car. One of his front teeth is missing, one big step on the way of finally becoming a big boy. That is at least what the teacher tells him. It doesn't matter that it is missing because he fell against the door frame, instead of falling out in a natural way. 

 

Kihyun is wearing a yellow shirt with the ugliest spider man fake Wonho had the chance to encounter in the short time span he has been living in this world.

 

He leaves the playmobil toy where he played until a minute ago and hurries to them when the teacher calls him over.

 

"This is Kihyun." she says, her smile a bit tired as usual. No wonder when you take into account the underpayment, stress and worry for the children. But those are things Wonho doesn't know about yet.

 

" You're almost the same age so I would be happy if you looked after Kihyun until he can fully settle in."

 

It is what Wonho does from that moment on. There hasn't been a day in which he broke his promise.

 

They become inseparable.

 

It is Wonho, who tiptoes over to Kihyuns bed when the other once again has a nightmare.

  


In the beginning Kihyun hits Wonho with a pillow when he wakes up and the other lies next to him. He says something about not being a baby but Wonho can be quite resilient when he wants to.

 

Then soon, there is something like relief in Kihyuns features and soon his small hand finds Wonhos only slightly bigger one when the nightmares become too scary again.

 

Kihyun is the one who protects Wonho against the older kids. He keeps telling Wonho  that he is too soft but Wonho things he is doing everything just right.

 

 

 

_" Are you ready?"_

_Kihyuns face is serious when he looks up from Wonhos knee, a band aid in his hand._

_Wonho swallows heavily and suppresses another stream of tears that threatens to fall before he nods._

_With that, Kihyun presses the band aid on the bleeding spot. Wonho has to admit, it didn't hurt that_ _much._

_" Don't let him push you."_

_Wonhos sniffles. " But Soo is so tall. He can touch the ceiling without a chair."_

_Wonho exaggerates but in his small world Soo really is that tall._

_"Then call me."_

_"He is almost nine."_

_"I don't care." Kihyun says determined._

_Wonho looks at Kihyun in awe. Never will he be this brave._

 

 

 

 

It takes Kihyun a while to properly fit into his new life. His mother hadn't taken good care of him. He doesn't know that there is something like regular meals he has to eat and that he is allowed to be loud during playtime.

 

The times he laughs the loudest is when there is only Wonho and him.

 

Wonho starts school and Kihyun makes such a fuss that he can follow him a year later, even though they say he is not ready yet. The teachers keep complaining about them, say that they shouldn't always stick together, but Wonho can't understand them.

 

Why would he want to play with the others when he prefers to be with Kihyun?

 

So they let them be.

 

 

 

2007

 

 

            It's in middle school, when Wonho suddenly becomes popular.

 

His body grows, puberty hits him just the right way and people start to be drawn in by his friendly and charming ways.

 

He likes to talk to them, to have many friends, but in the end it is Kihyun he flocks too.

 

The slurs start when both of them enter to high school. When people get to know that there is something different to what Mom and Dad are at home.

 

Wonho doesn't really care about the few insults thrown at him in between all the support.

 

Why wouldn't he hug Kihyun or hold his hand?

 

He loves him.

 

More than them.

 

Always has and always will.

 

It is Kihyun that can't deal with them.

 

_" Wonho."_

_Wonho pauses when he hears someone calling his name. His classmate from chemistry pats his shoulder when he walks by._

_" You might want to check on your better half."_

_Wonho sighs in exasperation. " Again?"_

_" Try the bleachers."_

_He smiles at Wonho in encouragement and follows his group of friends._

_" Thanks." Wonho calls after him. He pushes his books into his locker and jogs down the hallway through the masses of students on their way to the main entrance._

_This idiot... when the hell did he turn into this ticking time bomb that explodes that easily?_

_This time at least  he doesn't have to pull Kihyun away from anyone. From afar he sees a figure coming his way when he almost reached the bleachers. Wonho fastens his pace._

_" Get that smug grin out of your face!" he yells over the past meters before he nearly runs into Kihyun._

_" Seriously…", he brings out totally out of breath. " What was it today?"_

_Kihyun averts his gaze._

_Wonho tries to calm his breathing, takes in his friends appearance while doing so. A split lip and a bruise blooming on his jaw line._

_He has seen worse._

_Which doesn't make this in any way better._

_" You need to stop this or you'll get seriously hurt soon." he fusses when he touches the blue spot on Kihyuns face._

_The other flinches back._

_" They deserved it." he finally says.  
_

_"They?", Wonhos eyes narrow. " How many?"_

_" Why does it matter..."_

_" How many?" he repeats with more emphasis._

_" Three.. maybe…"_

_" Three!?"_

_"Beat them all up."_

_" Kihyun!"_

_He flinches when Wonho grows louder._

_" Why the hell would you do that?!"_

_"They called you a fagot." Kihyun mutters and looks to the ground._

_Wonho turns silent._

_Yes. When rubbed the wrong way Kihyun turns fierce, curses too much and direspects the wrong people. By now his tongue is feared around the school and for Wonho, he always fights like a lion._

_Not enough people know how adorable he truly is, how soft he gets around Wonho and that he visits the pet shelter on his free days._

_" I don't care what they say about me but those fuckers better not degrade you like that."_

_Wonho softly pokes Kihyuns head, feeling his heart spill for his best friend._

_" Don't do that for me."_

_"Next time they dare to say anything I'll shove their braces up their asses.."Kihyun says, fury in his eyes and Wonho can't help but to believe in his every word._

 

 

Wonho  starts to train at home, tries to grow stronger so he can protect himself and others, because even though he hates violence he hates Kihyun experiencing it more. 

 

Shortly before Kihyun will turn 18 a few months after Wonho as well they start to plan to move out of the foster home in their first own apartment.

 

It is when things start to change.

 

 

 

2011

 

 

            " Hello friend."

 

Minhyuk seats himself next to him when Wonho is about to eat his sandwich. They practise everyday until late for the annual Christmas theatre at their school and by now his stomach is a black hole that urgently needs some food. 

He looks up from his dinner in question. Minhyuk leans against his shoulder, his eyes pure and innocent.

 

“ Can I get some?”

 

"Nope." Wonho answers nonchalantly and keeps eating.

 

Minhyuk playfully glares at him. " You're cruel."

 

" You ate earlier. I saw you with the half eaten pizza in the corner and when Minjoo asked you didn't give her anything. Leave me alone, I'm hungry."

 

"Then at least give me your jacket. I'm cold."

 

"And I'm not?"

 

"You are a horrible person and I hate you." The smile doesn't disappear from his face though.

 

Wonho chuckles to himself and turns his attention back to his food. 

 

The door to the auditorium opens.

 

Even though he is far away and people yell and run all over each other in their hurry to prepare everything before the big day he can recognize Kihyun. His hair is now a light brown Wonho more or less forced on his head. Kihyun would never admit it but he likes it as much as Wonho does.

 

Kihyuns eyes wander over the chaos in front of him and he starts to smile when he makes out Wonho and Minhyuk in the corner.

 

He has made in his own personal task to come to get Wonho after practise as often as he can.

 

When Wonho sees his friends getup his eyes narrow.

 

" What the hell is he thinking?"

 

Not a lot, he decides, as he curtly gets up and shrugs off his jacket. It is fucking snowing outside and Kihyun isn't wearing more than a stupid sweater.

 

" Wo--"

 

" Kihyun! You want to die?" 

 

Without waiting for an answer her forces the jacket over the other.

 

" It's winter! Not the middle of July!"

 

" It's not that cold."

 

"Come.", Wonho guides him over to where Minhyuk is still sitting. " You can take a seat here."

 

He softly pushes Kihyun down on the chair. " Have you eaten something already?"

 

"I thought we could eat together later."

 

"Here.", Wonho hands him his half eaten sandwich." It could take a while until we finish.“

 

He can not quite pinpoint the way Minhyuk eyes him from the side. It doesn’t really matter either way since he is too busy with pulling the jacket tighter around Kihyuns shoulders. Seriously, what is wrong with him. Usually he is the one to remind Wonho about the temperatures outside. 

 

_" You love him." Minhyuk says randomly when they walk to another practise a while later._

_" Who?" Wonho barely listens since he is busy studying his script._

_" Kihyun."_

_Wonho lifts his gaze, confusion written all over his face. " Of course I do. Why would you say that all of sudden?"_

_It has always been easy to admit. Everyone knows._

_" I mean… differently."_

_Wonho squints his eyes at him. " Differently?"_

_"Like… boyfriends love each other."_

_Wonho slowly stops in his tracks while Minhyuk keeps walking._

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wonho thinks about it a lot.

 

A whole lot.

 

So much, that he starts to treat Kihyun differently.

 

He realizes that there has never been anyone else. He never had the urge to be with someone other than Kihyun, never felt like there was something he missed too much in his life as long as Kihyun was there.

 

He digs deeper, bumps into thoughts he never allowed to even touch the surface of his conscience.

 

He wouldn't mind kissing Kihyun.

 

Actually… he would love to try. He always seemed to have had the softest lips.

 

Wonho successfully panics.

 

 

 

 

 

2011

 

 

 

            " What's wrong?"

 

They spend the first night alone after moving in their new apartment.

 

They lay on the ground, next to each other. One of the two bottles of soju is empty by now and they are already a bit lightheaded.

 

" What do you mean?" Wonho rests his gaze on the other. Kihyun looks pretty with the slight blush on his cheeks. Wonho doesn't try to surpress those thoughts anymore, it would be futile either way he realized not too long ago. 

 

"You're acting odd."

 

" I don't."

 

" You do.", Kihyun  sits up, suspicious eyes on Wonho. " What's wrong? You can tell me."

 

He touches Wonhos shoulder and the touch seems to burn. He shrinks back and a flash of hurt appears in Kihyuns gaze.

 

" This is what I mean." he says quietly and takes a deep sip directly out of the bottle, then another.

 

" Don't drink too much."

 

Wonho makes a move to take the bottle away but Kihyun pries his hands off only to take another sip.

 

Silently he looks at the bottle, sways the alcohol inside.

 

" Are you tired of me?"

 

Wonhos eyes widen. " No! Why-"

 

" Have we been friends long enough?", finally Kihyun lifts his gaze, the hurt in his eyes fully visible for Wonho. " For the past months you’ve started to avoid me. I tried to deal with it. I told myself you're nervous because we're moving out but now I can't even touch you without having you run from me. So you better tell me now."

 

His eyes are suspiciously red by now. He angrily wipes over them with his sleeve before he takes another sip of soju.

 

Wonho still remains in the same position, hands outstretched. Just a bit more and he can pull Kihyun in one of their hugs that are so normal for them. But now, when he tries to see past his panic and the what if’s that almost drove him crazy the past weeks he realizes that they haven't shared one in a long time.

 

" Kihyun..."

 

" No."

 

" I'm sorry."

 

Kihyun bites his lips until it must hurt. It costs Wonho all of his courage to reach out for him and to take Kihyuns hand in his.

 

The dizziness caused by the alcohol helps.

 

" I'm really sorry.", he squeezes Kihyuns hand. " I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

 

" Then why are you acting this way? Why are you leaving me alone?"

 

Kihyun is silently crying now and Wonho feels like the worst person ever because it has been years since he saw him cry for the last time. Kihyun doesn't cry easily and when it happens Wonho believes that the world must be close to an end.

 

Their life at the foster home wasn't bad and Wonho has more than enough fond memories of the time there. But still, there had always been something in them since they had been separated from their families forcefully at a young age. A steady fear of being alone again, loosing what is important in their lives, being left behind and missing someone to death. And now he himself, the one that promised together with Kihyun in a tent years and years ago, to never leave each other alone, is the one that made him feel just like that.

 

" I thought I was doing the right thing."

 

" What is right about doing this?" Kihyun sniffs, but he is not pulling his hand away and Wonho takes that as a small victory.

 

" I thought being close to you would make things worse."

 

Kihyun looks at him, his eyes a deep red by now.

 

" What could be worse?"

 

" I felt like...", Wonhos mouth goes dry. " I... still feel like having those feelings for you... it is something I'm not supposed to feel. Not when it could destroy everything we have."

 

It was easy to tell him.

 

It is not easy to keep the fear at bay. To keep sitting on the ground and not to run out because he won't be able to deal with rejection.

 

He won't be able to deal with it.

 

Rejection means they can never go back to how things were.

 

But all of those weeks of worrying, the sleepless nights where for nothing because when the silence stretches for far too long Wonho lifts his gaze only to find Kihyun way closer than earlier.

 

Wonho can't really recall what happens afterwards.

 

Later, Kihyun will tell him that until that moment he hadn't even considered their relationship to be that way but the second Wonho had told him he had to. Maybe the alcohol gave him the courage, maybe Kihyun subconsiously had the same thoughts as Wonho, who knows, but that night their first kiss is shared. A clumsy one, something you later remember with a fond smile and a bit of embarrassment but at the same time it is perfection and a sign for both that this is right, and nothing else.

 

Not a lot changes between them.

 

How could something change when they have been more than close from the beginning?

 

What changes are the touches, the kisses, the embraces that are shared between them, the words they whisper to each other half asleep after they moved their beds together in the middle of the bedroom, the feeling of finally being at the right place.

 

Minhyuk pats himself on the back every time he visits them.

 

 

 

 

2016

 

 

           

 

            "Bored?" Wonho calls over to Kihyun who is busy with the notebook in his lap.

 

" You told me it would take an hour. I've been waiting for more than two by now. I was that close to pulling you out of there by your ears."

 

Kihyun glares at him, eyes squinted together as the sun blinds him.

 

Wonho chuckles. What do they say? Dogs that bark don't bite.

 

He leans down and softly kisses Kihyuns forehead before he sits down next to him with a heavy sigh, head on Kihyuns shoulder.

 

" You know what Baek’s been up to these days?"

 

" Nope.", Kihyun keeps typing on his laptop, what looks like an essay. " Haven't seen him since the weekend. Why?"

 

"I've tried to call him a few times. We need his help in this."

 

This sparks Kihyuns interest. He pauses the typing and wiggles his shoulder until Wonho reluctantly has to directly look at him.

 

" Why? Important business?"

 

" Yeah."

 

" How important?"

 

" Important enough for my Dad to almost loose his composure."

 

That never happens and Kihyun knows by now as well. Wonhos father is a rock in the tide.

 

" We need to find someone urgently. But he vanished and Baek is by far the only one that could find him."

 

" I could try."

 

" You're in no way ready or a hacker. You're merely studying computer science and you don't even like it."

 

" We need to put that money of yours into good use by educating me well so I can take care of you in future."

 

" You can still change majors."

 

" I will do something useful so I can help you out."

 

" You will never take part in anything that could put you in danger. I won't let you."

 

Kihyun downright glares at him by now. " Baek showed me everything there is to know. And I'm gonna use that to help you out."

 

"Kihyun.", Wonho sighs. " You don't want to have anything to do with this. And I like it that way."

 

" It's just finding someone. It’s not like I'm going on a trip with your dad."

 

" I don't know about this..."

 

" Tell me who we're looking for and give me half an hour, okay?", Kihyun is already starting by the way his fingers fly over the keyboard. " I will never get into your business but I can at least try to be a son- in- law your Dad likes."

 

" Dad loves you."

 

Kihyun snorts. " I want him to love me more."

 

" Greedy."

 

"Give me a name and shut up."

 

Wonho regrets the day he ever got Kihyun into university.

 

" Wonho?" The slight threat in Kihyun voice that always gets to Wonho.

 

" Park Minseok. Dealer from Busan. We need his whereabouts."

 

"Okay. Got it."

 

"Be careful."

 

But Kihyun is already typing away.

 

 

 

 

2013

 

 

 

            Life doesn't really care. It won't stop going on, just because you are in your soulmates arms every morning when you wake up.

 

They struggle.

 

A lot.

 

None of them had had the chance to undergo further education after high school and they are still young without a lot of experience.

 

But part time jobs don't pay for all the expenses.

 

Some day in March they fought again about one of their unpaid bills.

 

Kihyun left the house to get some fresh air and to get away from everything for a while.

 

Maybe the only reason is that he is sick and tired of him, Wonho isn't too sure anymore.

 

He couldn't stay in their apartment for too long as well. When Kihyun leaves - or worse, leaves because is too angry to even look at Wonho- it hits him with full force how lonely they really are in this world. When there is no one that makes the silence go away the walls always seem to smother him.

 

Maybe that is the reason why he has a feeling as soon as the man talks to him on the street. A feeling of hope in him, that someone might be able to take the burden off his shoulders.

 

Maybe it is the resemblances that he notices as soon as they cross paths.

 

The area around the eyes.

 

Wonho pauses on the sidewalk when the stranger is clearly out to talk to him.

 

" Hello.", the man says and when he awkwardly runs a hand through his hair that is already grey in some areas, Wonho can recognize the young boy he once was.

 

" I'm sorry to catch you off guard like this. But I've wanted to do that for a while now and finally found the courage."

 

It is the first time Wonho ever talks to his father, almost 20 years after he was born. They talk a lot, the following weeks.

 

He doesn't tell Kihyun.

 

He always tells him everything but this time he doesn’t know how to because his father came for him but no one ever came for Kihyun.

 

 

 

_" You're okay?"_

_His father crouches next to him on the pavement. Wonho fell hard, his ass and his palms hurt._

_But that he only realizes later._

_Right now he stares wide eyed at the men that are forcefully pulled out of the van he almost got forced in a minute ago when he simply took a stroll down the street._

_Everything went so fast he only remembers being pulled back into the daylight again._

_Then those other men._

_And his father._

_His face pushes itself into Wonhos view._

_" Wonho?"_

_He swallows heavily and is finally able to look away from the scenery in front of him long enough to concentrate on his father._

_" I'm…", his body and voice are slightly shaking. " I'm okay.“_

_For a moment his father runs a hand through Wonhos hair, then he gets up, the worry in his eyes gone and replaced by anger._

_" Bring them away."_

_"Yes, sir." One of the man close to them says._

_"Wonho. I never wanted you to know but now that they... We...We have to talk."_

 

 

 

 

 

Wonho learns about a lot of things the following days after the first shock disappeared.

 

He learns about his father's trading company.

 

He learns that it is just the cover up for all kind of other deals, more or less illegal, and that those were the reason his father hasn’t been in his life until now, simply to protect him.

 

He learns that those things fascinate him.

 

He learns that there is a place for him in all of this.

 

He learns that he has a choice, that his father would not care if he never joined them. That his life would become more dangerous and that there might be other people that try to take him. That they still can build up a relationship and forget about everything else that happened that day. That Wonho would still never have to worry about finances again.

 

But when Wonho walks through the building which his father calls his headquarter and people bow to him, it feels good. First he can't admit it to himself, but later he realizes that he does enjoy the power at least a tiny bit.

 

He will be able to support Kihyun and himself without feeling like a burden. The other won’t have to worry anymore, Wonho will not find him and the kitchen table again, fast asleep over unpaid bills.

 

So he takes on smaller jobs in the business and dives into a world he only ever knew about from movies and books.

 

He doesn't tell Kihyun. Now because he can't anymore.

 

 

 

 

2016

 

 

           

            " So now he's been trying to find the guy?"

 

Jooheon drives the van through the busy streets, Wonho next to him in the passenger seat. He wanted to stay with Kihyun but apparently it had annoyed the younger to fucking pieces - his words - that Wonho was glued to his side. In the end he commanded Wonho to not come any closer than a 25 meters radius until he is finished with everything.

 

That is why now, both Jooheon and him are on their way to the closest convenience store to get some drinks. Wonho isn't really worried about Kihyun staying alone. The house is well guarded, with several of his father's man inside and outside the building.

 

“ Yes.”

 

Wonho nods, eyes closed as he leans his head against the headrest. Thoughts circle in his head.

 

" I hope the guy is telling the truth."

 

" Lee Jung An?"

 

"Yes. He looked close to pissing his pants. I can't imagine that he wouldn't be loyal to my Dad."

 

Jooheon stops at the next traffic light, hands clapping on his steering wheel to the song coming out the radio. He finally got the horrendous red out of his hair and went back to brown.

 

" Scared doesn't mean you're loyal."

 

" True. But it also doesn't mean you aren't."

 

Wonho slowly exhales, gaze on a couple that is sharing icecream at the next traffic light. His plastic spoon falls to the ground and she seems to chastise him but there is a smile on her face while does.

How normal they look. Without a care in the world. 

It has been a while since Kihyun and him had some ice cream outside.

 

" I regret, Jooheon. I really do." Wonho mumbles.

 

" What did you say?"

 

Wonho slowly shakes his head. " Nothing... I said nothing."

 

His mobile vibrates when he receives a new text message.

 

 

 

 

 

2013

 

 

 

            " Minhyuk…"

 

Wonho slowly stops in his tracks. It is his first time visiting his fathers house, or more like mansion, and the last person he would have expected to meet here is Minhyuk. Too loud, too smiley, too much of everything Minhyuk that became one of Kihyuns and his closest friends over the years.

 

The other awkwardly smiles as he comes over, a redhead in tow.

 

" Hey."

 

"What… what are you doing here?“

 

" My Dad... Who is a...ehm...business friend of your Dad… might have asked me to keep an eye on you the past years. To make sure you're alright.“

 

Wonho only starts talking to Minhyuk again after two weeks.

 

 

 

 

2016

 

 

 

            " What does  message that says _They_ _got me_ mean?"

 

Finally, Wonho has Kihyun on the phone. It have been draining five minutes since he saw the message and started to call him. Only now his boyfriend answers.

 

" It means exactly what it says.", Kihyun says, a tint of annoyance in his voice. " I tried to track the guy down. First it went well."

 

"Now you're going to tell me you fucked up?"

 

Kihyun clicks his tongue. " Kind of? I was able to track him down until a plane ride last night to Kyoto. But that's when-"

 

He pauses, leaving Wonho on the edge.

 

" That's when what, Kihyun?" he impatiently snaps.

 

Another second of silence before the other is back on the phone. " Sorry. I had to check something."

 

He keeps typing.

 

" So. As I said, I was able to track him down until he took a plane to Kyoto last night. But after that nothing.“

 

"Like… he disappeared?“

 

"No. More like I got hacked."

 

 

 

 

 

2014

 

 

 

            One night, when Wonho opens the door to their home the first thing he sees in their living room is Jooheon, an unsure smile on his face.

 

" Hey…"

 

Wonho stops in his tracks as he sees him. His gaze wanders to Kihyun who wordlessly leans against the wall, and he doesn't need to ask to understand what is going on. 

 

Kihyun glares at him and without a word leaves the living room for the entrance door, not without bumping his shoulder in Wonhos as he walks passed him.

 

" I'm sorry, I didn't know he doe-"

 

"It's okay." Wonho tells Jooheon in a hurry before he rushes after Kihyun. The other can walk pretty damn fast if he wants to and is already outside on the sidewalk.

 

"Kihyun- ", Wonho catches up on him and tries to keep the same pace. " I can explain - "

 

"There is nothing to explain .", Kihyun snaps at him without slowing down. " When did you plan to tell me that your father showed up?!"

 

" Can yo-- Kihyun-", Wonho takes a hold of his wrist and successfully stops him. " Can you stop!"

 

" I'm the last!"

 

Wonho is taken aback for a second. " The last?"

 

" Do you remember how often we talked about meeting them?! Your Dad, my Dad! In that fucking utopia we made up in which we aren't left behind like trash by everyone that should care for us?! And now that you finally got the chance every fucking person knows but me?!“

 

" Kihyun... Please..."

 

" No! The way that guy talked sounded like you have known for months!"

 

" Listen to m--"

 

Wonho grows more desperate by the second when Kihyun keeps pushing away his hands.

 

" Kihyun... Please listen for a second..."

 

" Just...", from one second to another all energy seems to leave Kihyuns body. " Just leave me alone for now."

 

He mumbles more than actually saying the words.

 

Once more, he pushes Wonhos hands away and makes his way down the street, posture shrunken, hands burried deep in his pockets.

 

Wonho can only stay behind, frozen to the spot, a horrible pain raging through his chest when he has to watch Kihyun disappear in the dark.

 

He doesn't follow him. Following him would make everything worse.

 

He calls someone though to make sure that Kihyun is save. After joining his father and almost being kidnapped himself he became careful.

 

Kihyun finds shelter at Minhyuks house and Wonho can relax the tiniest bit.

 

Minhyuk doesn't know that Kihyun is only aware of Wonhos father but not of the business itself him and Wonho are now part of. If Wonho wouldn't be a nervous mess he might have informed Minhyuk but he is too busy with crying over ice cream next to Jooheon.

 

It comes up during a breakfast a few days later. Kihyun throws another fit and leaves Minhyuks house as well, putting Wonho onto another emotional rollercoaster.

 

It takes Kihyun a week to show up at their home again. Wonho has a mental breakdown when he finally has him back in their own four walls and more or less lives in Kihyuns lap the next two days.

 

Kihyun tries to talk him out of everything for another two weeks but when he realizes that Wonho is okay and that his father and his men are taking good care of him he reluctantly accepts under the condition that Wonho will not do the _dangerous_ field work. At least for a while.

 

Soon, Wonhos father and Kihyun meet and Wonho couldn't be more happy when they hit it off. His father will never be more important than Kihyun to him but it is still nice to know that they are having a good relationship.

 

Things seem to be fine.

 

 

 

2016

 

 

            Kihyun spins around when Wonhos finger jabs his side once more.

 

" Stop it!" he snaps , but Wonho keeps glaring at him.

 

" Do you know how dangerous this can be?!"

 

He turns to Baek who leans over Kihyuns laptop, his hand now a protective warmth on Kihyuns side. The older man finally showed up after Wonho tried to call his phone for another hundred times.

 

" Can YOU tell him how dangerous this can be?!"

 

Baek lifts his head only for a second, long enough to roll his eyes at Wonho before he turns his attention back to the screen.

 

He looks dishevelled, smells like old beer, soju, and not having washed himself for a few days. Sometimes he unceremoniously sniffs.

 

On a normal day Wonho hates Baeks hygiene, or the lack of it.

 

Wonho doesn't care today. As long as he makes sure no one will find out anything about Kihyun.

 

 

 

 

 

2015

 

 

           

            " It's...nice..."

 

Kihyun takes his time to take in everything in the hallway. His gaze glides over the closed doors, the open kitchen down the hallway.

 

Wonho beams at him.

 

" Only nice?"

 

" This is really ours? The whole apartment?"

 

" I signed the contract this morning. It is all ours. We even have two rooms for Minhyuk and Jooheon if you want to have them over. Tomorrow we can go and look for furniture. Maybe we can get some nice things for the kitchen..."

 

He is having many sleepless nights, trying to catch up with everything his father is teaching him but Wonho doesn't regret anything when Kihyuns face lights up for the first time in what feels like an eternity.

 

 

 

2016

 

 

 

            Wonho pulls off his shirt and carelessly leaves it on the floor next to their bed. Kihyun follows his example but takes another one of the too big shirts out of the closet he always uses for sleeping after folding his old one and putting it on a chair. He never fancied sleeping half naked.

 

" You finished moping?"

 

Wonho wordlessly slips underneath the covers.

 

When they first got together they only had one blanket, now they changed over to two. Both prefer having their own, Wonho a bit less than Kihyun. Sometimes he feels like hugging the other during the night and always gets tangled up in all the sheets when he tries to scoot over.

 

He lies on his side, watching Kihyun as he gets into bed as well.

 

" I'm not moping."

 

"You're not talking to me. You're ignoring everything I say."

 

"We came here together."

 

"You half carried me here from your father's house after Baek said not to worry."

 

Wonhos glare darkens. " Not to worry…"

 

He turns to his other side, presenting Kihyun his bare back.

 

Kihyun sighs deeply.

 

" Okay. I've tried."

 

Wonho sits up again. "You're not going to do anything?"

 

" Like what?"  Kihyun lifts an eyebrow.

 

" Like panic?"

 

" There is no reason to."

 

Wonho scoffs another time but allows Kihyun to scoot closer to him under the blanket.

 

" There is a lot of reason to worry." Wonho mumbles.

 

" Welcome to my life, mobster boss. Who wanted to get part in this kind of life and told me not to worry?"

 

" I'm not a mobster boss!"

 

Kihyun chuckles quietly and pulls him back down on the mattress. " Shut up and sleep.“

 

Wonho has broader shoulders and stronger arms than Kihyun but still, he feels unbelievably comfortable in this position, safely tucked under the blanket with Kihyuns arms around his frame.

 

Like this Wonho can easily believe that everything is fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prologue Part 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016, October 3rd, 18:45

 

 

                   " There has been an attack."

 

Wonho lifts his gaze from where he studied a map together with Minhyuk, the smile over his friends last joke still on his face. They found an empty office in his fathers mansion where they are planning a small day trip in a few weeks they still keep secret from Jooheon and Kihyun.

 

" Yes?" he asks, not having fully caught what the guard is saying.

 

" An attack."

 

The man, who Wonho identifies as one of his fathers closest subordinates, is still standing close to the door he just walked in through.

 

" Around and hour ag--"

 

Wonhos gaze zooms in on the shirt in his hand. It is grey, looks a lot like the hoodie Kihyun loves to wear.

 

There, a small stain around the hem.

 

It definitely must be Kihyuns, Wonho can remember all too well how frustrated the other got over the blueberry stain.

 

Then, it hits him with full force.

 

There is blood, on the hoodie that Kihyun loves to wear. Way too much blood.

 

Blood...

 

He leaps to his feet, reaches the man next to the door in a matter of seconds and pulls the hoodie from his hands by force. His eyes wander over the material, which is close to tearing by how hard he is grabbing it.

 

Blood, big stains, halfway dried. A big hole on the back, almost like a... like a knife...

 

' I should have slept in today' Kihyun had said this morning after coming back from the bathroom before he slid back under the blankets to join a sleepy Wonho for another minute.

 

He should have.

 

Why… Wonhos mind tries to grasp the situation but nothing works, the moment he gets his thoughts into order they slip from him.

 

Because there is no way Kihyun and bloodstained go together. There can't be a way, but then why…

 

He can't breath... all of sudden the air gets stuck in his throat and he simply can't breath.

 

"Wonho...", Minhyuks fingers curl around his and loosen his grip on the shirt. " Listen to him."

 

Why would he want to hear it?

 

" Listen to him, goddamn." Minhyuk stresses.

 

Wonho swallows heavily, his mouth way too dry, his heart beating too fast in his chest, like it hasn't done for a while. It costs him all of his will power, but then his hands finally sink down, take the shirt out of his view at least for a moment.

 

The man takes this as his sign to repeat what he just said that went unheard by Wonho.

 

" There has been an attack. The victim has been brought to the hospital and is receiving treatment for a stab wound at the moment. It is not too serious and he will be able to leave the hospital soon. The expenses and everything else are taken care of. While the shirt he wore and a membership card found inside one of the pockets seem to belong to Yoo Kihyun, the person injured is not him, but a classmate."

 

It is not Kihyun... it is not...

 

" Do we know the culprit ?" Minhyuk asks instead of Wonho.

 

The man shakes his head. " Right now, we can't yet be a hundred percent sure but there are signs the assault is connected to Kim Minseoks disappearance and the hacking incident. There is no need to worry though. Our men are stationed around the university. They are having an eye on Kihyun and there has been no news of disturbance."

 

It is not Kihyun.

 

The clarity almost brings Wonho to his kness and finally show him how on the edge he has been unconsiously over the past weeks.

 

" We have not yet informed anyone else.", the man bows respectfully. " I will be on my way then and oversee things."

 

With that he leaves.

 

Wonho already forgot about him before he can close the door.

 

He pulls his phone out of his pocket. His fingers now shake visibly in the aftermath of the shock, but in front of Minhyuk he doesn't have to act.

 

He has two phones. One for business, one only for his closest people. The latter he always has with him.

 

Kihyun is speed dial number one.

 

Wonho turns away from his friend when he presses the phone to his ear. It seems to take hours until he can finally hear the connection. The peeping sound seems to laugh at him.

 

Wonho only realizes later, that the other silent noise his his voice, a soft repetition of _Answer the damn phone_ , directed at the wall until finally there is a voice at the other end of the line.

 

" Kihyun!"

 

" Hey.", his voice sounds tired. " Sorry. I had my phone on vibration so it took me a moment to notice your call. Is something the matter?"

 

Wonho really wants to cry that moment, a big, loud sobbing that will wash away the panic because there hasn't been a time he was happier about hearing his boyfriends voice.

 

Minhyuk clings to his shoulder, trying to understand what Kihyun says.

 

" Where are you?"

 

"Library.", he pauses for a moment. " You sound off."

 

" Everything is okay?"

 

" I'm good. As far as I can be with those quotations I need to get into my head til tomorrow. You know that piece of wasted air that calls himself my professor."

 

" What happened to your hoodie?"

 

" How do y-", Kihyun stops himself in the middle of the sentence. " Do I even want to know how _you_ know?"

 

" What happened to it?"

 

" Nothing. That other guy that is studying for the same class decided that he has to sit on the seat right next to me. I had to do a presentation with him once and since than he thinks we're close buddies. Couldn't stop bitching to me about everyone and everything while I was trying to get my work done. I tell you Wonho, I was praying to everyone and no one to take that excuse of a pronoun away from me but I didn't tell him because you said I have to be nicer to people."

 

Wonho motions for the door and him and Minhyuk walk outside while Kihyun keeps talking.

 

" Apparently he couldn't leave because it is too cold and he got no jacket and he had to wait for his Mom. His Mom. Poor lady. I guess you get the memo. I was too pissed to deal with him for even another ten minutes so I threw my hoodie at him and told him to leave. It worked. That is all I can say."

 

" Can you stay at the library, Kihyun? I'm coming over."

 

" Gosh. Why is everyone so eager to talk to me today?" Kihyun says slightly irritated, but he seems to have noticed the hint of desperation in Wonhos voice, so he promises not to go anywhere else and to wait.

 

 

 

 

2016 October 3rd, 19:02

 

           

            "Can't you go faster?"

 

" He's alright."

 

" I need to see him."

 

Minhyuk saves himself the answer but Wonho notices how the car accelerates. The next stop sign Minhyuk simply ignores. He will take care of any fee later. They have enough connections with the police.

 

Wonho nervously drums onto the dahsboard as Seouls streets fly past their windows. He doesn't spare them any attention in his urge to get to Kihyuns side.

 

" How dare they pull him into this…"

 

" He's fine."

 

" Someone thought the guy is him and attacked him with a knife!" Wonhos almost yells in a sudden fit. " This is a warning! They know about him and they want us to know!"

 

It feels as if he is helplessly at mercy of something he can't control, something he can't handle and doesn't want to. An icecold panic engulfes him at the thought of Kihyun being the next.

 

" They can't take Kihyun from me. I refuse to let anyone take him."

 

"No one is taking him away from you. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't. He's being watched."

 

"But-"

 

"Wonho.", Minhyuk looks at him for only a second until he focused on the street again. " You knew this would happen sooner or later. Kihyun knew as well. He's not invisible and it was only a matter of time until someone found out about your relationship. There is only that many traces you can hide."

 

" It is because he got hacked. Why did he do that?"

 

" Wonho... can you just listen to me."

 

" Why did I let him do that?"

 

But Wonho is too lost in his own frantic thoughts to really listen.  

 

 

 

 

2016 October 3rd, 19:33

 

           

 

 

            Wonho can see him from afar, small underneath the huge dooframe that leads into the library. It is not easy to miss Kihyun in his bright blue jacket, a present Wonho gave to him last Christmas.

 

As soon as he sees him Wonho calms down the tiniest bit.

 

Kihyun slowly paces in front of the door, hands in the pockets of his jacket. His warm breath slowly rises in almost invisible clouds. For October it is already awfully cold during the night.

 

" Keep an eye on the area."

 

" Of course."

 

He doesn't have to tell Minhyuk. The guy loves Kihyun in his own way.

 

Kihyun looks up when he finally notices Wonho coming closer.

 

It runs through Wonho, a wave of love for the other, so huge that he can barely handle it for a moment. In almost twenty years you can get so used to someone that you sometimes forget. But it is moments like this where Wonho is sure that even a whole life together is too short to really get tired of Kihyun.

 

When he finally reaches him, Wonho pulls him in his arms without a word, his face buried into Kihyuns scarf, the others smell a comforting cover from one second to another.

 

Wonho loves him so much… so much….

 

" How is studying going?" he asks when he loosens his embrace. Way too early, but he doesn't want to worry Kihyun any further than he already did. He softly runs a hand through Kihyuns black bangs but the other reaches for his hand and stops him from doing so.  

 

" What is wrong?"

 

Kihyun looks at Minhyuk far down the road in front of another building, his phone pressed to his ear, then back to Wonho, a line of worry on his forehead.

 

" You sounded off over the phone."

 

"I di--"

 

"You did. You came here without any reason, and don't think I haven't seen your men running around like crazy."

 

A thought seems to bloom in his head he is turning a tiny bit pale. " Everyone is alright? Where is Jooheon? Is he okay? Is he here?"

 

" Everything is fine."

 

"Then wh--"

 

"Kihyun, hey.", Wonho says with more emphasis. " You can calm down."

 

For a moment they just look at each other, then some of the tension seems to leave Kihyuns body.

 

" Then why are you here?"

 

" I had to see you because....", Wonho starts then, his hand not letting go off Kihyuns. " You remember the guy you gave your hoodie to."

 

Kihyun furrows his brow. " It's been like an hour. Of course."

 

" He's been attacked on his way home. We do believe it is because they thought it was you."

 

In the weak light outside the library Kihyun turns paler than he already is.

 

" What? I mean... Is he okay? He didn't..."

 

" He will be fine. It isn't too serious and he will be able to leave the hospital soon."

 

" Wow...", Kihyun swallows heavily. " I prayed that someone would take him away from me but more like out of the library and home. I didn't want him to get hurt...shit..."

 

" I know."

 

" He'll be fine?"

 

" Yes." Wonho repeats.

 

He wished he could do more to reassure Kihyun, to make sure that the other doesn't take the news too hard.

 

But on the other hand, it is Kihyun he is talking about, rational, strong, smart Kihyun. Kihyun, who stays calm when Wonho is loosing it. Kihyun who is so much more suited to guide people than Wonho is. There is no way Kihyun won't be fine.

 

Some minutes pass in which Kihyun keeps quiet, while Wonho gives him the time he needs. Right now it is enough for him to have Kihyuns hand in his and to feel the warmth radiate from him.

 

" It is because someone got my information from the hacking, isn't it?"

 

" It could be."

 

Kihyun clicks his tongue, eyes on the dark surroundings of the library. " Some warning, right? That's how those people work. You're the heir and I'm close to you."

 

" It's possible."

 

" Tell me any other reason why someone would want to stab me."

 

Wonho winces, the pictures still too vivid in his head.

 

" When they first told me I thought it was you who... you know." he confesses when Kihyun scrutinizes him closely.

 

" I'm not gonna get stabbed that easily." Kihyun says then, face all serious.

 

" Don't say it!"

 

" Wonho."

 

" I'm not going to listen! I heard enough today! Yoo Kihyun and stabbed! It doesn't match! I don't want to hear you saying it in ever again!" he touches Kihyun by his upperarms, his grip maybe a bit too tight. " You're not going to get stabbed! I forbid it!"

 

" Okay." Kihyun simply says.

 

" Okay." Wonho huffs, wanting nothing more but to sit down and forget abut this day.

 

" Wonho."

 

" Hmm?"

 

" You're cold."

 

Confused, Wonho looks down at his body and true to Kihyuns words, his body is slightly shaking. Maybe it is still the shock, or really the cold, who knows and who cares.

 

Kihyun pulls Wonho after him through the huge entrance door.

 

Warmth greets them inside the library, quiet conversations and warm light.

 

" You look pale." Kihyun says and before Wonho can respond he gently pulls him closer and kisses him softly. One peck, then another one that lingers the tiniest bit longer. His lips crinkle in a smile when he brings some distance between their faces.

 

" Now you got a bit of colour back."

 

" You know I'm weak to your kisses." Wonho mutters when his cheeks turn the slightest pink. 

 

He truly is weak to them.

 

" The guy...he really is going to be fine?" Kihyun asks quietly.

 

" I wouldn't lie to you about that."

 

" He pissed me off but I didn't want him to experience that. Really."

 

"I know."

 

A smile steals himself on Wonhos lips, wide enough for his eyes to almost disappear. Kihyun doesn't have to tell him. Who knows better than Wonho that there is nothing bad in Kihyun. Just some defense mechanisms that make coping with situations easier.

 

Wonho takes his time to rearrange Kihyuns scarf. " Don't worry. He will be fine, it is not your fault and I'll make sure that nothing will happen to you."

 

" I'm not worried. About me at least."

 

" I don't want you to be, but please--"

 

A small group of discussing students walks by them. Kihyun softly pushes Wonho out of the way and close to a shelf where they are at least partly undisturbed.

 

" This is new for me, Kihyun.", Wonho continues. " A situation like this has never happened and I need to take it serious. And to be honest, right now I don't know how to handle it."

 

Kihyun listens attentively without disturbing him but Wonho can see that there are many things he wants to say.

 

" The next days or weeks you will hate me.", Wonho affectionately pokes the tip of Kihyuns nose, a sad smile on his lips. " And I'm already sorry but I will get clingy as hell. I will call you way too often, you will have someone with you all the time and some days I will ask you to stay at home so I can make sure you're safe."

 

Kihyun loves his independence and Wonho knows all too well.

 

" Will you be able to bear with it?"

 

It takes Kihyun mere seconds to answer. " If it makes you feel any better and keeps people from getting hurt of course I will."

 

Wonho feels the relief that Kihyuns answer brings with it. He should have expected Kihyun to act this way. They always do what is best for the other, would sacrifice themselves to the end if it wasn't for Minhyuk and Jooheon who from time to time put them into their places.

 

" I'm sorry, Kihyun."

 

Why does Wonho have the feeling that he is sorry for so many more things.

 

" Don't be."

 

Wonho leans in and kisses him softly. " I love you."

 

" You better do."

 

Wonho crinkles his nose at that and both quietly laugh together, hoping that the lady at the counter won't throw them out. She has been looking over at them with a sour expression for a while now. 

 

" Do you want to meet some of my classmates?" Kihyun asks.

 

Wonho knows he is trying to finally change the subject into something lighter.

 

" I assume Minhyuk is busy with... whatever you need to do in such situations?"

 

Wonho shrugs. " He's just checking the area."

 

"Scaring people away?"

 

"Most probably."

 

Kihyun takes Wonhos hand. He brings it to his lips and lightly kisses his knuckles. It is only a brief moment but for Wonho those short seconds in which Kihyuns lips touch the skin of his hand are more important than any verbal oath.

 

" Come.", Kihyun pulls him away from the door. " I want you to meet the peasants that make my life miserable. Why again am I studying computer science?"

 

" I told you to go for something else.."

 

Kihyun scoffs. " The annual son- in- law of the year is in my pockets already. There is no way I will let go of that."

 

 

 

 

 

2016 Novemver 1st, 02:30

 

 

 

            " Wonho..."

 

A whisper in the dark of the room.

 

Wonho isn't sure where he is for a second until cold fingers touch his neck. He slowly opens his eyes.

 

The alarm clock on the night stand is the first thing he sees.

 

2.31 am

 

" Wonho? Are you awake?"

 

The whisper grows a bit more pestering and Wonho decides he most probably won't be able to ignore it any longer.

 

" Wake up!"

 

He slowly turns his body to Kihyun only to snuggle closer and hide his face in the crook of his neck.

 

" What is it?" He reaches around Kihyuns waist and pulls him closer to his chest.

 

" I can't sleep."

 

" I noticed."

 

" Tomorrow is my presentation. Or more like today. In 7 hours and 28 minutes."

 

Kihyun rarely has problems with talking in front of people but as soon as it comes to presentations he is loosing it. Under normal circumstances Wonho would make a tiny bit of fun of this because it is exorbitantly cute since no one would ever believe that Yoo Kihyun is scared of anything but this presentation seems to be really important for his grade... and it is 2.31... no... now it is 2.33 in the morning and he really wants to sleep for a bit longer.

 

" You did so well when you showed me." Wonho sleepily mumbles into Kihyuns hair. They tickle his lips.

  
Wonho  pulls the blanket closer around Kihyun and scoops his leg between his boyfriends.

 

" Sleep, baby. Don't worry about it. You will do well."

 

" Stop calling me baby.“

 

There is no malice to his words. Wonho knows that deep down he is a sucker for it.

 

He is so tired but still manages to lift his head and kiss the tip of Kihyuns nose. " Sure. I will"

 

He won't.

 

Now it is Kihyun that subtly snuggles closer and Wonho knows, when he slowly falls back into sleep, that he can never sleep any better than this way.

 

 

 

 

2016 November 1st, 08:50

 

 

            Wonho wakes up alone the next morning and finds his boyfriend twenty minutes later in the kitchen.

 

Kihyun is a zombie.

  
He sits a the table, a bowl of cornflakes in front of him, the spoon untouched next to it, staring at the living room that is connected to the open kitchen.

 

" He hasn't moved the last ten minutes. His cornflakes must be soggy now." Minhyuk says from his place next to the fridge.

 

" Kihyun...", Wonho touches his shoulder. " You need to eat."

 

He takes the spoon and sticks it into Kihyuns hand.

 

Still no reaction.

 

" What's wrong?" Jooheon mouths from the couch where he is watching a morning program.

 

" He didn't sleep well tonight." Wonho says a bit louder and he can feel the shudder going through his boyfriends body.

 

" Just shoot me!" With that his forehead meets the table. Almost the bowl, but Wonho was fast enough to bring it into safety.

 

'' No one is going to shoot you.“ Wonho is still allergic to even bring up words like shoot and Kihyuns name in the same sentence.

  
He takes a bite of the cornflakes.

 

" They really are soggy though."

 

" Told him." Minhyuk rolls his eyes and leaves them for the bathroom.

 

" Kihyun..."

 

" Give me coffee or leave me alone!"

 

" You can buy a nice one in the coffee shop next to your school."

 

Kihyun slowly turns his head to glance at Wonho through his hair.

 

" You said I shouldn't drink too much of it and that you wouldn't allow me to buy one."

 

" It's fine today. Now get up and eat. I'm not letting you leave the house without something in your stomach."

 

It takes another five minutes to coax Kihyun into lifting his head and Wonho needs all of his sweet talking to get half of the cornflakes into his unusually whiny boyfriend who normally is the one to take care of Wonhos diet.

 

 

 

2016 November 1st, 09:27

 

 

 

            It is the moment Wonho hates the most every day. From Monday to Friday. Not on weekends. That is when Kihyun stays home like a good boyfriend.

 

That time when Kihyun puts on his shoes and takes his jacket, making himself ready to leave the house.

 

" Do you have your scarf? It is cold today."

 

" No one would be scared of you anymore if they could see you like this, Wonho." Minhyuk calls over from the kitchen.

 

" Fuck you. No one is scared of me either way.", Wonho answers nonchalantly and hands Kihyun his scarf. " You got your things?"

 

'' I hope so.“

 

Wonho smiles at the view of his boyfriend when the other slings the scarf around his neck. When he is finished Wonho pulls him closer until their lips touch.

 

He intended for it to be just a short peck, but as always, he lets his lips linger just a little bit longer.

 

" Get a room!"

 

Kihyun breaks the kiss, a dangerous glint in his eyes and Wonho makes a silent note to himself to kick Minhyuks ass later.

 

" What's your plan for today?" Kihyun asks, his expression darkening a bit. As much Wonho hates to let Kihyun out of his eyes, Kihyun isn't any less scared.

 

It is not  like Wonho has the safest job on earth. And not that Wonho would ever tell him about all the things he is doing all day long.

 

" We're having a meeting later. Nothing serious."

 

" About what?"

 

" You don't want to know."

 

Wonho is still trying to figure out who threatens Kihyun. 

 

" I see..."

 

" Minhyuk will get you later."

 

" Why?" Kihyun asks surprised.

 

Wonho arranges his scarf once more. " After your big presentation we will go out to get you something nice to eat. You decide what."

 

" You know I'm gonna choose the food all of you hate for being huge pains in my ass?"

 

" Of course I do.", another peck on the lips he loves so much. " And now go there and kick their asses. And be careful."

 

 

 

 

2016 Novemver 9th, 14:47

 

 

           

            It is a week later when they find an snitch that seems to play for the other team south of the river.

 

Wonho isn't euphoric.

 

Sure, he wants to know more about who is threatening Kihyun but the ways he was taught to get those information are contrary to what he believes in.

 

He hates what is following now.

 

But there are things that have to be done. Things he has to do to steady his status in his fathers business if he ever wants to take his spot.

 

So he locks everything away, the thoughts that come up lately. How he slowly grows tired with the work, how he more often finds himself thinking about a life far away from this place.

 

He locks them away and enters the room in which they keep the man with his usual calmness. He is by far not as scary as his father but he still manages to let some persons blood freeze in there vains.

 

Fury is predictable, not calmness.

 

It was a misunderstaning, Kihyun should not have been in the mansion at that time.

 

It was this misunderstanding that led to the first cracks.

 

" Guys are you -", Kihyun pulls open the door, slowly stops in his tracks when he sees the bloody pulp that is a body on the floor. "-  ready..."

 

His eyes widen only slightly but far enough for Wonho to notice the shock. Slowly, Kihyuns eyes wander over the body up to Wonho who is standing there, his knuckles still bloody.

 

He has to be heartless in front of all the other men in the room so they will respect him.

 

And this guy needs to talk so Kihyun will never be in his place.

 

Wonho wants to tell Kihyun that instant. Wants to rush over to tell him that he doesn't want to, that he hates it, that this is not something he loves, wants to beg Kihyun not to be scared of him, not to change his view.

 

But he can't because the room is full of eyes, all on him and if he shows any emotion now he will be done.

 

They know Kihyun, they respect him because they respect Wonho and know he is not to harm and to be protected, but he is not one of them.

 

" Someone get him out of here." Wonho says, his voice way too quiet and calm for what he is doing right now.

 

" Wonho, what the f-"

 

" Get him out of here! Now!"

 

Kihyun winces when Wonho yells.

 

It is Jooheon who comes forward, hastily walks over to him and pushes him out of the room.

 

He whispers to Kihyun, things Wonho can't understand. He is dying to know what he tells him but he can't ask. He needs to show indifference. Has to show them that his job is more important even though he wants nothing more than to run out and follow him.

 

 

 

 

2016 November 9th, 17:36

 

 

 

            He didn't say anything and a frustrated Wonho left the guy to Minhyuk.

 

His hands hurt when he walks through the empty hallways to the elevator.

 

His chest hurts way more than his fingers could ever do. All out of fear what is awaiting him. Kihyun should have never seen what he has to do.

 

Kihyun never wanted him to do those things.

 

He finds them in the backgarden, save and sound behind the huge walls that encircle the mansion on all sides.

 

Jooheon and Kihyun always had a great relationship from the beginning, just like he had with Minhyuk. But while him and Minhyuk are friends on the same level, Kihyun treats Jooheon like a younger brother.

 

" Another one?"

 

Wonho stops in the doorframe that leads to the garden, loosens his black tie and the collar under which he grew way too hot.

 

" A huge one."

 

"You can drink quite a lot for such a tiny body."

 

"I'm not tiny, shithead."

 

"You come in a compact size."

 

"Asshole."

 

Kihyun slurs the slightest and there is the clinking of bottles. His boyfriend chuckles quietly.

 

It sounds too sad.

 

" I must have embarrassed him so much… running in like the idiot I am."

 

Another clinking sound, a hit filled again.

 

" Is this what you really do?" Kihyun asks eventually.

 

Jooheon takes his time with answering and Wonho almost wished he would lie.

 

" Sometimes. When we have to."

 

"But… all of you… you're so soft and gentle…my Wonho... my sweet Wonho... I've never seen any of you like this."

 

"Because we love you. You will never be the receiving end."

 

It is too quiet for a moment and Wonho is scared they will hear his shallow breaths.

 

" Is the love what you really are… or this?"

 

For a second Wonho starts to panic. The thoughts about everything that could go wrong a carussel in his head, but then he only hears Jooheons dry laughter.

 

" You really need to ask such bullshit?"

 

Another moment of silence.

 

" No."

 

 

 

 

2016 November 9th, 23:14

 

 

 

 

            That night, Wonho cries in the sanctuary of his room. He gets rid of all the hot tears that threatened to choke him all day long, cries because he wasn't man enough to show himself to Kihyun, cries because he is scared something has changed and cries because he still has no clue and is so so scared of everything and all.

 

He can hear Kihyun from afar. His quiet steps, after he closed the front door, are a lot more stable than earlier when Wonho left both of them alone. It seems like both of them didn't drink a lot more.

 

Wonho doesn't even try to make himself look presentable. Kihyun will know. He has seen Wonho like this way too often.

 

Kihyun slowly opens the door. Still, there is no reluctance in his movement. Wonho didn't bother to turn on the lights earlier.

 

" Is that what they don't get to see?"

 

Kihyun stops in the doorway and when Wonho expected to see something derogative, dismissive in his gaze, than it isn't there.

 

" I didn't mean to stay away all day long."

 

Kihyun approaches him and sinks down on the mattress next to him.

 

" But I... needed to get my head around it.", he heavily falls against Wonhos shoulder. " Why were you crying?"

 

" I thought things had changed between us." Wonho mumbles quietly.

 

" I saw things. Things I didn't want to see. ", Kihyun runs a hand through Wonhos black hair. " But Wonho. For what kind of person do you take me? I know my words can be harsh sometimes. But between us, nothing changed and nothing will. You are the most important person to me in this world... Without you half of me is missing. I have and will always love you the same. "

 

His fingers slowly caress Wonho's cheek, softly wander over his lips. Kihyun is smiling lovingly all this time, as if he sees something beautiful for the very first time.

 

" Why would you even think like that, idiot?"

 

His words engulf Wonhos hurting soul like warm honey and seconds later he holds on to Kihyun in another crying fit, now out of relief.

 

But by now he knows how it feels - at least a tiny bit - to loose him. And the memory is stuck, somewhere in the back of his head.

 

 

 

 

2016 December 18th 12:56

 

 

 

            It is silent in the living room, everyone is too busy and concentrated on the cards in eaches hands.

 

Kihyuns gaze wanders between his cards, he wants to take one, pauses the last second and pulls out another one. With a triumphant smile he plays it.

 

Minhyuk sighs and throws his cards on the table.

 

" I'm done. He won eight times in a row."

 

Jooheon scoffs in annoyance. " And why would that be so?"

 

" What do you mean?" Minhyuks gaze wanders between them, Kihyun the personification of innocence, a dark cloud of thunder above Jooheons head.

 

The letter scoffs. " You didn't realise that Wonho - who accidentally very conveniently sits on the couch right behind Kihyun- sniffs when his hand wanders and coughs just the second before Kihyun plays a card."

 

"You mean-"

 

Something dawns to Minhyuk, then he gasps. Hand on his chest, a look of utter betrayal in his eyes.

 

" No…"

 

Kihyun nonchalantly puts his cards aside.

 

" You're having a small cold, don't you?" he ask over his shoulder and Wonho who currently his huddled under a blanket on the couch nods fastly.

 

" My throat has been itching all day long."

 

" Thinking that we are cheating.", Kihyun starts to shuffle the cards and shakes his head in disapproval. " While the poor love of my life is bravely battling sickness."

 

He continues shuffling when all of sudden a card falls out of his sleeve and on the table.

 

All noise in the room dies down.

 

Kihyun, still oblivious looks at them, as Minhyuks mouth only grows bigger and Jooheons eyes turn to saucers.

 

" What's the hell got into you now?"

 

Then he notices the card.

  


He loosens his collar.

 

" Now… where did that come from?"

 

"I told you how to do it." Wonho snaps at him from the couch.

 

" I guess we should have practised more.", Kihyun presses out as he hurriedly gets up from his chair to run out of the room and leave Wonho - who couldn't get out of the blankets fast enough - to fend on his own.

 

 

 

 

2016 December 28th, 02:21

 

 

            " Do I need to call the ambulance? You would tell me if I had to? You would definitely. Don't try to act manly! You tell me!"

 

"Wonho…", Kihyun sighs, his voice slightly nasal.

 

" Shut up. I'm trying to shove tissues in your nose." Minhyuk chastises him and strenmghtens the hold he has on his head.

 

Wonho restlessly paces in the small toilet area. In the far he can hear the loud bases of the club.

 

It was a terrible idea, a terrible one…

  


Someone tries to get into the toilet but Jooheon who leans in the doorframe stops him.

 

" Occupied."

 

"Let me take a fucking piss."

 

Jooheon stills smiles brightely at him but there isn't a lot in this world that is scarier than this particular one.

 

The guy grows visibly smaller by the second.

 

" Take your piss at the girls toilet for all I care. Not here."

 

Jooheon shoves him out and closes the door with a thud only to move back into his prior position.

 

" Guys…", Kihyun says slowly. " You don't have to make such ruckus about this."

 

"That guy was looking for you, Kihyun." Minhyuk repeats for the third time that night.

 

" He was just drunk."

 

Wonhos hands curl into fists. " He wasn't just drunk. He was looking for you. He wanted to fucking pull you out of the club right under my eyes!"

 

" He didn't. And I gave him more than the bloody nose I got."

 

" He tried! He fucking tried! I want every men in the area searching for him! I want him back by tomorrow morning so this can finally end!"

 

" Done."

 

Minhyuk once more wipes over Kihyuns nose with a wet tissue. Without the blood everything looks way less scary but Wonho won't stop his pacing.

 

" Wonho..." Kihyun says softly. " I'm okay."

 

But Wonho isn't, not at all.

 

 

 

 

2017 January 3rd, 08:57

 

 

 

            The cup slightly cracks when Kihyun puts it into the sink way too harshly.

 

" You started this! You wanted to do this! It was you who wanted to take part in this! I told you from the beginning it's gonna be dangerous! Now deal with the consequences!" Kihyun yells at Wonho. "Stop trying to keep me away from everything! Stop trying to put me into a fucking cage!"

 

"I'm just trying to protect you! You promised you would let me!"

 

" You're trying to keep me inside 24/7!"

 

" Because it is dangerous!"

 

"Then stop doing this! Why the fuck do I have to listen to this bullshit everyday if you could just stop taking part in this fucking club all of you are so eager to be in?!"

 

Wonho freezes when their gazes meet.

 

Kihyun has a fury in his eyes he has never experienced before.

 

The moment only lasts for a second. Then he averts his gaze, hands in fists as he walks for the door.

 

" Ki-"

 

"Don't you follow me right now! I want to be alone."

 

The door closes with a loud thud and Wonho stays back all alone.

 

 

 

 

 

2016 February 3rd, 15:14

 

 

 

 

            " I wouldn't be able to bear you as well.", Minhyuk shrugs and takes another sip of his coffee. " It's been days since he's been outside alone. You know how important is independence is for him."

 

" It's all for his sake." Wonho ruffles through his black hair in a twinge of pure frustration.

 

" Maybe you should think about another approach."

 

" Another approach?"

 

Minhyuk drinks the rest of his tea and gets up from the bar stool. " Not Kihyun is the problem, but your occupation. Maybe this is where you should start."

 

" Minhyuk..", Wonho support himself with his elbows on the kitchen counter, tired face in his hands. " Do I even need to think about it? As much as I enjoyed being here in the beginning...the attention.. I don't like what I have to do. I'm not good at it. I don't see myself here anymore and it will never be more important than him... I'm so tired of this..."

 

Minhyuk smiles. " Then you got your answer."

 

" Yes...", Wonho sighs. " Now how tell my father..."

 

 

 

 

 

2017 January 5th, 13:22

 

 

 

 

            Wonho ends his long explanation about how he can't keep working for his father and how much he thought about it for the past days.

 

" Dad. I want to stop this.", Wonho averts his gaze to his lap. " I want to take Kihyun and just go somewhere for a while until all of this calmed down. And then come back to live like a normal person. I hope you can understand and when we come back you will still be able to take part in our life."

 

His dad looks out of the window into the setting sun for a long time before he finally nods with a warm smile.

 

" I understand."

 

Wonho breaks out into a bright smile. It is the first time this week.

 

 

 

 

2017 January 5th, 15:05

 

 

 

            " Wh--"

 

Kihyun gets engulfed in a tight hug as soon as he enters their apartment. The past days he had spent at Minhyuks house, much to Wonhos dismay.

 

" Kihyun! You're back!"

 

A huge burden disappears from his shoulder when Kihyun circles his arms around Wonho and presses a kiss to the side of his neck.

 

" I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Wonho. It wasn't right of me to get this angry an-"

 

" We're leaving."

 

Kihyun stops in his speech. " We're what?"

 

" I talked to my dad. We're going to leave for a while. I kind of retired from all of my positions, if you can call it that way. Dad will make sure there will be no traces left so people can't follow us and when everything is quiet and it's save we can come back and live a normal life."

 

" Wait... what?"

 

Kihyun still gets nothing but its fine. Wonho chuckles happily as he pulls him only closer to himself.

 

" We're going to leave Kihyun, everything is going to be fine."

 

 

 

2017 January 10th, 15:33

 

 

            " Text me after you've arrived."

 

"Okay."

 

"I mean it Kihyun. The first thing you'll do is calling me."

 

Kihyun slips into his shoes and stands up. He smiles warmly at Wonho, who is a restless mess in front of the door.

 

" The first thing I do after arriving and stopping the car is calling you."

 

"Good."

 

It isn't good. Not at all. Wonho doesn't want to let him go. Every fibre of his body is against it but he says nothing because he remember their fight...it is Kihyuns wish and he will try to make him happy.

 

" Don't look like that." Kihyun comes closer and takes Wonhos hands in his.

 

" I'm trying my best over here. Don't laugh at me."

 

Kihyun eyes him for a moment. He seems undecided, deeply furrows his brow." I can stay if you want."

 

It is tempting, but Wonho shakes his head. " Have fun with your classmates and tell them Good bye. I'll be fine. Dads men are always close by."

 

" You sure you will be fine?"

 

"100% sure. Our flight's leaving in two days, I got things to do, I'm a busy man." He tries to sound convincing but it is futile.

 

Kihyun chuckles and comes closer. He lovingly gazes at Wonho, arms loosely around Wonhos torso.

 

" Wonho."

 

" Yeah?"

 

He is loosing himself Kihyuns his eyes.

 

" There will never be someone in this world I will love more than I love you."

 

Wonho catches his breath, the he hastily looks to the floor when tears threaten to fall. He weeps easily these days.

 

" You know that, don't you?" Kihyun softly caresses his cheek and Wonho nods, gaze still on the floor.

 

" And even if we fight. That won't change anything. Even if you would have stayed in the company."

 

"Okay…" Wonho says quietly, not trusting his voice in this moment of shere relief.

 

" Good.", Kihyun comes closer and kisses his cheek, his lips linger there for a moment. " Movie night later?"

 

Wonho nods when Kihyun finally leaves him for the door.

 

" Be careful."

 

Kihyun winks at him with a smile. " Always."

 

" I love you."

 

"Me, too." 

 

For a moment he pauses in the doorframe, smiles once more and then closes the door behind him.

 

 

 

There won't be a movie night in the evening, nor the next day, or any following. No one will watch movies in the apartment for a long time.

 

What Kihyun told him that moment is the last thing Wonho ever hears from him.

 

He never arrives at his destination.

 

In a sharp turn his car swings off the street, turns over as it falls down the bank and bursts into flames, taking Kihyuns life in a heartbeat just like Wonhos.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy~

 

Summer 2018

 

 

 

1-1

 

 

Changkyun has no clue as to how the guy caught up to him. He has been careful in his approach of the shop from the moment he had set his eyes on the building.

 

The first ten minutes he stares through the glass window from across the street, making out one guy behind the shops counter who in obvious boredom keeps himself busy with a game on his phone.

 

Then, Changkyun slowly draws closer, only to walk past the windows a few times, up and down the side walk like a total idiot.

 

Slowly it is turning pathetic, even Changkyun has to admit to himself, but a new wave of nervousness stops him as soon as he even thinks about touching the door knob.

 

In the end, all of his preparations go down the drain, when - after another 15 minutes of continuous stalking - the door sways open just when Changkyun is about to hide behind the safety of a nearby tree.

 

" 27 minutes."

 

The blonde guy he saw playing games at the counter plants himself in the door frame, hands pressed into his hips.

 

Changkyun doesn't jump when the voice startles him - whoever says something else is lying. But he still wished that his turn would have been less jittery and a bit more firmly like he intended it to be. You never get a another chance for the first impression and he did not intend to fuck up things the second they exchange the first words.

 

" Yes?" Changkyun swallows heavily.

 

" 27 minutes. That's how long you've been staring into the shop."

 

There, he sees his good first impression fly into the abyss.

 

Changkyun loosens the collar of his shirt. " Did I?"

 

The other clicks his tongue as he leans into the door frame, arms now crossed in front of his chest. He is not that much taller than Changkyun, but with a mere gaze manages to slightly terrify him.

 

" What brings you here?"

 

"I just wan-"

 

"Wait!"

 

The other stops Changkyun mid sentence, his hand dramatically outstretched, two fingers on the bridge of his nose as if he is in deeply contemplating something. Changkyun waits hesitantly until some explanation seems to pop up in the mans head.

 

" Your date stood you up."

 

He eyes Changkyun from top to bottom, before he shrugs nonchalantly.

 

" I'm not trying to get into your business. But you don't need her,  bro. Trust me."

 

Changkyun blinks at him, not sure if he should simply go with the nonsense or if his ego is too big to get allegedly denounced like that. And why the hell does the other smile now, when he did nothing but intimidate Changkyun a moment ago.

 

" It's not you. It's her."

 

Nope. His ego won't be able to take it.

 

" I didn't wait for anyone."

 

The other cocks his head in question. " Why would you stalk my store then?"

 

" I didn't stalk your store." Changkyun tries to explain, running out of patience faster than expected.

 

" How would you describe the 27 minutes you stared at me then?"

 

Something seems to dawn to him and he wriggles his eyebrows so obviously at Changkyun that the latter almost looses it.

 

" You're here for my bootie? Should have just said so. I would have told you 25 minutes ago that I'm into a bit older sizes. Sorry."

 

Changkyun questions his life choices.

 

" Look…", he slowly starts when the color of his cheeks is back to normal and he dares to avert his gaze from the side walk. " Neither did I get stood up nor am I here for you. No wait - I'm kind of here for you, but not for the bo... not for that."

 

" Not for the bootie?"

 

"The job notice.", Changkyun gestures to the paper hanging in the window. " I know I'm too late, I don't even have an appointment but. Yeah… I still wanted to check things out."

 

Changkyun slouches his shoulders. If there weren't so many things depending on this he would have already run for it, being embarrassed, stood up, here for the bootie, the whole list, but he can't.

 

"Are you doing that on purpose or are you just naturally cute?"

 

Changkyun eyes him from behind his bangs, still in a slouch, and the other coos.

 

" Definitely a natural."

 

He turns back to his store and Changkyun already wants to leave in disappointment, but then the other points inside.

 

" Come in. There's almost nothing to do at this hour. If you want we can do the interview right now. You look like you could sell some good coffee."

 

Changkyuns chaw drops, but before the door can shut in his face he hurries inside.

 

It is one of those stores that do not belong to a big chain and therefore have their very own charm. Pastel colors, comfortable sitting areas, it smells like coffee and tea. Here and there customers occupy the tables.

 

Changkyuns gaze drifts over the pictures on the walls, nature images, those of instruments, then pictures of different persons string together. There is the man Changkyun currently talks to, brightly smiling next to another one, hands around each others backs. They seem to be good friends and Changkyun catches himself thinking that he would love to be part of their group.

 

"Jooheon?", the blonde leans over the counter and calls someone from the backroom. " We got an interview!"

 

" I'm cleaning!"

 

" I'm gonna make myself clearer: He's cute and doesn't smell so you can come out!"

 

Changkyun almost runs outside again... almost. He has been too tall and too easily noticeable for his awkwardness since 8th grade.

 

The noise of something that falls to the ground, then a head pushes itself through the door frame.

 

" Thank God. After the last girl I gave up on finding someone."

 

He has a towel in his hands which he uses to wipe something off his apron.

 

" Hello, stranger. You have a name?"

 

" I'm Changkyun…" Changkyun says quietly and hopes that his cheeks don't blush too hard due to the attention he starts to gain.

 

" Hello Changkyun, I'm pleasantly surprised for the first time today ."

 

His collegue rolls his eyes. "Ignore him. We've had a lot of interviews since the morning and he didn't like one of them so he is happy we finally found someone decently looking.“

 

'' Decently looking and not smelly.“ Jooheon corrects him.

 

''Of course.“

 

Changkyuns head explodes into all shades of red and both of them chuckle .

 

" I'm Minhyuk by the way. Jooheons name you already know. Come, take a seat."

 

He points at a few seats in the corner.

 

Changkyun doesn't move from his spot when Minhyuk goes back to the counter.

 

" No need to be shy.", Jooheon nods to the table. " No one's going to eat you."

 

Slowly, Changkyun walks over to the sitting area and sinks down on one of the chairs. Jooheon places himself in front of him, Minhyuk – now armed with pen and paper – next to him.

 

" Did you bring anything? Any CV?"

 

Changkyun shakes his head, suddenly feeling a whole new level of awkward. '' I did not really plan to come here... it was more of a last minute decision.“

 

"No problem.", Minhyuks smile doesn't waver. " Then tell me something about yourself. What's your full name?"

 

" Im Changkyun."

 

" How old are you?"

 

"22. "

 

" Do you have any experience in this kind of business?"

 

" I worked in some restaurants before."

 

Minhyuk notes that down as well. " It isn't rocket science so you would be able to learn in no time. Are you a student?"

 

" No… just looking for work."

 

Changkyun wipes his wet hands on his trousers. He is less anxious than in the beginning but still nervous enough for his fingers to feel jittery.

 

" Why do you want to work here?"

 

" I-"

 

"No." before he can even think about starting the sentence Minhyuk stops him.

 

Changkyun almost chokes on the lies that where just about to leave his mouth.

 

" I want to heat the truth. Nothing like _I have heard so much about you. Help me to further my horizon._ Bla bla bla.", he fake gags. " I've been hearing this the whole day. Thanks."

 

Jooheon nods repeatedly. " He's right. We've heard a lot of bullshit already.  Remember the one who wanted to keep her mother's legacy alive?"

 

Minhyuk scrunches his nose. " As if I didn't see her mother waiting for her in the car outside."

 

While they recall the day, the thoughts behind Changkyuns forehead run like crazy. He has got nothing to loose. It is not like there was a lot of hope for him to get the job in the first place, and the chances will only get less when he will tell them the truth. So he should go for the lie.

But he is pretty sure that they will catch him the second he opens his mouth. Hyungwon always tells Changkyun, there is no one worse at lying than himself.

 

He should just tell them. They can send him away and at least he won't have to live with the bad conscience of telling those nice men a fake story.

 

Still, it is a shame, Changkyun thinks when his gaze falls on the pictures hanging on the wall. It looks quite cozy and nice compared to other stores he had worked at. He would have enjoyed being a part of it together with them.

 

Just like a band aid that gets ripped off.

 

" The truth is I can't find work anywhere else."

 

Minhyuks eyebrows lift in a curious manner. "You can't work anywhere else?"

 

"Yes."

 

Changkyun holds clutches his knees, keeps his gaze on the dark wood of the table.

 

" I got into a fight with the wrong person. Promised me to make sure I won't be able to find any company that would take me in."

 

He smiles bitterly. "He kept his promise. That is why I came to another area of town. Somewhere I'm not known. Maybe far enough for him to not have influence."

 

"Why did you fight?"

 

"He hurt my friend for no reason and I paid him back."

 

Is is silent for far too long, then the two whisper to each other.

 

Changkyun doesn't dare to look up. He has faced rejection way too many times the past days. He will be fine. There will be something else for him. He will be able to save the money he needs.

 

Still, it would have been nice. The store really does look nice.

 

Changkyun sighs quietly. He is so tired all of sudden.

 

" When can you start?"

 

Changkyuns gaze shoots up. " What?!"

 

 

1-2

 

 

It doesn't take long for Changkyun to get used to his work environment.

 

Minhyuk shows him everything there is to know about numbers, deliveries and ordering the groceries they need. Jooheon, the master of the coffee machine, introduces him to the world of coffee and tea, how to foam the milk the best and what kind of syrup goes best with a strawberry frappucino.

 

It is only them, but the store isn't too big and they get by just fine.

 

It takes a bit longer for Changkyun to get used to his collegues antics.

 

Both of them seem to have taken Changkyun in their hearts from the very beginning. Both keep hugging him and during break he more often than not has a head in his lap. They say their naps are just a tiny bit more comfortable there.

 

First, Changkyun is a bit scared and overwhelmed. He knows touches from most people as something dangerous, disgusting, hidden thoughts that become physical through them, but with those two it is okay. It feels like one of Hyungwons rare hugs. Warm, with no ulterior moves worse than making him get a coke from the next store.

 

" I have a question." he says one day when they prepare the shop for the next day.

 

Minhyuk looks up from the cup he is about to dry and motions with a nod for Changkyun to go on.

 

" You're not the owner of this shop, are you?"

 

"Nope.", Minhyuk puts the cup away and takes the next. " I'm just managing this cutie. And that pretty well I have to say."

 

Changkyun nods slowly as he listens.

 

" But I've been working for almost a month now, and I have never seen the boss before. I don't even know if it is a him or her."

 

"It's a guy.", Minhyuk clarifies. " His name is Wonho."

 

" Will he ever show up?"

 

" He will.",Minhyuk inspects the cup, seems to be satisfied with it and puts it to the others on the shelf.

 

“ I don't want to be nosy. I'm just curious to what kind of person my boss is."  
  


" I know, Changkyun. I know all of that. And trust me, you will meet him soon."

 

Minhyuk doesn't take his gaze from the new cup in his hands. A smile plays on his lips but it is far from he bright smirks Changkyun got used to. It is warm, as if he remembers something, but so sad at the same instance that Changkyun regrets asking.

 

" Some days are difficult for Wonho. It is for all of us, me and Jooheon as well, but especially for him. We -", he finally says. " We lost someone close to us last year. It's still kind of fresh."

 

Changkyun does not ask further, sensing the pain behind Minhyuks words,  and both fall into a comfortable chatter about a total other topic, never talking about the fact that Minhyuks voice slightly broke when he told Changkyun.

 

 

 

 

1-3

 

 

 

 

It is a slow Tuesday afternoon a few days later.

 

The bell at the entrance chums when Changkyun is just about to refill the to-go cups beneath the counter.

 

"Welcome." he greets automatically as he straightens up and dusts off his hands at his trousers.

 

" One Americano, please.", the guy that just came in takes a seat at the counter. " For here."

 

"Sure."

 

Changkyun pulls a cup out of the counter and starts the machine, all this time feeling the customers gaze on him.

 

" You're new."  he states with a bright smile.

 

Changkyun nods, while he stats the machine. " I started around a month ago."

 

"You like it?"

 

The coffee starts to fill the cup. "Ehm.. Yes. A… a lot actually. Compared to other stuff I've been working this is paradise."

 

The guy leans his head into his hand and chuckles.

 

" You chose the least evil?"

 

"No! No..I… I mean it. I really like it here. I was lucky to get the job."

 

The coffee is done. He carefully takes the cup and puts it onto a saucer he hands over to the customer.

 

"Here you go."

 

"Thanks a lot."

 

He holds the warm cup with both hands and doesn't seem to think about drinking it.

 

" And your coworkers?"

 

Changkyun starts to wonder what it is the guy wants from him.

 

" The loud one. You're getting along with him?"

 

Changkyun wonders which loud one he is talking about, but he keeps the comment to himself. Even though Minhyuk and Jooheon sometimes tend to be unnerving on a whole new level, he would never want to exchange them for anyone else.

 

"Both are not that loud…"

 

Another quiet chuckle.

 

The customer slowly lifts the cup to his mouth and drinks. " I bet Jooheon spit into my cup at least three tines."

 

Now Changkyun can't help but slightly glare at him.

 

Mihyuks might talk too much and his hugs are way too frequently for Changkyun taste but if that guy knew how bad other people in this world can be he wouldn't laugh into his coffee and talk like that about his co-workers anymore.

 

“ And Minhyuk can only be described as a huge pervert.“

 

That's it.

 

" Listen, before you keep talk-" Changkyun starts.

 

"Are you at it again?"

 

He was barely able to position himself in front of the stranger when Minhyuks familiar mob of blonde hair appears in the doorway. He almost disappears between all of the bags he is more or less carrying – or kicking- and still manages to get everyone's attention in a second.

 

Changkyun almost admired that. How easily Minhyuk can bring people to talk to him and to like him by a few words they exchange, sometimes less. For himself, it is difficult, almost impossible not to stumble over his own awkwardness and it seems to border to a miracle that he has been working in the store for that long now and both, Jooheon and Minhyuk, have not yet gotten tired of the stuttering, the muddling and the red cheeks.

 

" I told you not to scare away Changkyun. It was okay with the last one but this cutie I really adore so keep your hands off. Jooheon will not be happy as well."

 

" The last one quit because you kept telling him about your bed stories.", the one at the counter shoots back, looking scandalized. " You know what they call that? Sexual harassment. We should be happy he didn't put the prosecution on us."

 

"Jeez", with a relived sigh Minhyuk puts the bags down on the counter. " He wouldn't dare to."

 

"What did you do to him?"

 

A glimmer in Minhyuks eyes and his trademark smile.

 

'' Nothing you can proof.“

 

Until now, Changkyun only followed the exchange with big eyes. They seem like friends. Close friends, if he dares to interpret the way they talk.

 

"Changkyun."

 

Minhyuk pulls him out of his thoughts and he winces.

 

"Yes?" He answers, way too old and too hasty.

 

Minhyuk nods at the stranger.

 

" Meet my best friend. And your boss."

 

His jaw drops.

 

 

 

1-4

 

 

 

After he overcomes the initial shock and the promise that he won't get fired over almost talking back to his boss, Changkyun comes to the realization that he loves being around Wonho as much as he loves being with Minhyuk or Jooheon

 

Maybe almost a tiny bit more.

 

Don't get him wrong, he get teased by the older as much as he gets by Minhyuk, if not worse. But there are also the quiet hours they silently drink a coffee next to each other and talk about their days. Wonho is a good listener, and sometimes when he gets sleepy he simply put his head on Changkyuns shoulder and leaves it there for a while. He seems to love skinship .

 

Changkyun hasn't seen him at all during the first days of working in the coffee shop, but now he meets him almost daily, when he spends a few hours in the shop to help out or to simply read in the corner.

 

He keeps bickering with Minhyuk or Jooheon throughout those days and Changyun came to enjoy that as well.

 

And then there are those moments where Wonho quietly sits in one of the booths and looks outside then window. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for close to an hour. Changkyun already knows after a short time that he can always talks to the older if something is bothering him, but during those times he doesn't. As if something keeps telling him that Wonho needs this time alone. As if he would invade something too precious to be shared with others.

 

Sometimes Minhyuk walks passed Wonho during those moments. A squeeze of his shoulder. A soft ruffle through his hair. Then he is gone again.

 

Changkyun doesn't question it.

 

 

 

1-5

 

 

 

Changkyun closes alone at night. Minhyuk said something about a date, Jooheon is God knows where and Wonho left a while earlier to meet his Dad.

 

It was a quiet shift and Changkyun is looking forward to some Fast Food on his way home.

 

" Changkyun.“

 

He just finished locking the doors and pulling down the when Jooheons familiar voice calls over

to him from the other side of the street. 

 

The other has to wait for a car to pass by, then he jogs over to where Changkyun tucks the key into his bag.

 

" Everything went fine?"

 

" There weren't a lot of customers tonight. What are you doing here?"

 

Jooheon leans closer to him, so close that Changkyun things either way he's going to kiss him or at least fall onto him if they would live in a bad romcom.

 

“ Are you drunk?“

 

'' Pregame. Tonight is dinner time with friends and I am here to tell you."

 

"Dinner time with what?"

 

A black Mercedes drives around the corner and blinds Changkyun with its bright front lights. Changkyun looks away, the arm Jooheon slings around his shoulders keeps him on the spot.

 

" You're late." he announces as Wonho opens the window from the inside and beams at them.

 

" The meeting took longer."

 

"Still trying to persuade you?" Jooheon asks. He ushers Changkyun to open the car door and to get inside, fully ignoring the others protests.

 

" You know him."

 

Wonho closes the window and waits until Jooheon slipped into the backseat as well before he starts the engine again.

 

" Hey Changkyun." Minhyuk waves at him from the passenger seat.

 

''Hello...“ Changkyun says awkwardly.

 

Wonho looks at him through the rear view mirror. '' Sorry for the kidnapping. But Minhyuk told me you didn't have plans for tonight and here we are.“

 

'' It's fine.“ Changkyun answers quietly, slightly excited over the turn his boring night took. It has been a while since he just hang out with... kind of friends.

 

Yes, kind of.

 

It is a comfortable ride for Changkyun. All three of them keep bickering throughout the whole trip and only ask him for his opinion occasionally as if they knew that Changkyun still feels awkward with them in the tiny space for the first time.

 

It takes them a bit to get to a restaurant in the other area of town and when they arrive Changkyun can't help but to be impressed when he sees the exterior.

 

Definitely more expensive than the things he ever went to.

 

Minhyuk seems to have noticed his moment of shock.

 

" We prefer a street stall over those fancy things but…", he seems to melt away on the spot. " The Hamburger steak."

 

" He looks that happy because I have to pay for everything." Wonho deadpans, but the way he smiles, it doesn't seem like he is negative affected by that at all.

 

Apart from the fact that he was more or less forced to join them, Changkyun has a lot of fun that evening.

 

Jooheon has been drunk already and Minhyuk soon is in no way inferior to him. They keep trying to surpass each other, while Wonho doesn't touch the alcohol. Wonho shares most of his food with Changkyun and after two shots Changkyun drank himself he almost weeps at how lucky he was to stumble over them.

 

Jooheon wants to be funny and secretely tries to touch Changkyuns hand under the table but he is too drunk and falls over right into the youngers lap. It ends with Jooheon under the table, two hysterically laughing Wonho and Minhyuk while Changkyun hides in the toilet for a whole of 30 minutes to calm his racing nerves.

 

" Tell us something about yourself." Minhyuk tells Changkyun a bit later when all the alcohol is gone and the screams calmed down to a normal level. Jooheon already is fast asleep, head on Changkyuns shoulder in the most innocent way possible.

 

" There's nothing to say about me." Changkyun says when he bites into a nut. Really, he is not even lying. There is things he can't tell them, and then there is nothing else special about him.

 

" Oh come on.", Minhyuk whines and starts to poke his shoulder in a rapid pace, eyes already halfway closed. " There must be something."

 

" Minhyuk.", Wonho laughs and tries to protect Changkyun from the finger of doom. " You're drunk.”

 

"I'm not!" The other exclaims, gets up from his chair only to fall back down.

 

" Sure." Wonho pats his back starts to button up his jacket. Minhyuk seems to be out of it from one second to another.

 

" I'm not lying.",  Changkyun says to Wonho. “ There is really nothing to tell about me.“

 

Wonho cracks a smile at him.“ Everyone has an interesting story to tell. You as well.“

 

Changkyun smiles to himself when he remembers something. " Maybe... Or, I drank too much, threw my whole being up and flushed it down the toilet. Someone I know said that once.“

 

With a loud clanking sound the fork falls to the floor.

 

" I'm sorry… I'm so sorry.", Wonho fusses as he dives after the fork. " I'm so stupid."

 

"Are you okay?" Changkyun asks carefully. There seems to be some a certain amount distress in Wonhos expression from on second to another.

 

" It's fine. I'm fine.", Wonho slowly responds, wide eyes fixated on nothing for a moment." Someone told me something similar once. That is all."   
  
  
  


_" Do you know you much I hate introducing myself in study groups?", Kihyun says when he throws his bag into the corner. " They always want to know what I did, what my personality is like. Maybe the size of my underwear? Gosh, it is a study group. It is not like I'm hanging out with the because I chose to. I told them, after my last night out I drank to much, threw up my whole being and flushed it down the toilet. There is nothing left of me to tell them about."_

 

_Wonho smiles at him from his seat at the counter. " You're just too lazy to tell them about the million of facets that are Yoo Kihyun."_

 

“ _Cheesy.“_

 

„ _Embarrasing. Flushed your whole being down the toilet?“_

 

_Kihyun scoffs and joins him at the table. '' It was the nicest I could come up with in that kinf of emergency situation.“_   
  
  


 

 

 

1-6  
  


 

 

 

" Yes. I'll be back soon. Just need to get my wallet."

 

Changkyun hangs up on Hyungwon as he arrives back at the coffee shop half an hour after closing.

 

He only realized two subway stations away that he forgot his wallet at work and decided against his tiredness to go back and fetch it.

 

He is just about to get his key out of his pocket when he realises someone is inside, a lonely frame sitting on a bar stool at the counter .

 

It is Wonho, he realises a second later and ponders if he should just leave his wallet and go home. But Wonho looks so lonely that he can't help but to open the door.

 

Wonho slowly lifts his gaze when Changkyun enters. First, there is something like fear visible in his features, deeply buried in his usual smiling face. Then, the second he recognizes Changkyun, everything falls other and what remains is a said smile.

 

" I thought I had to play the good customer service."

 

"I forgot my wallet."

 

Changkyun feels stupid, standing there in the middle of the room, knowing that he just invaded something way too private. The tea in front of Wonho still steams. He hasn't been sitting there for too long.

 

"Should I make you one as well?"

 

Changkyun isn't too sure if Wonho really invites him or if he just wants to be polite. His intuition tells him it is not the latter. Changkyun also doesn't want to be alone all the time.

 

He slowly comes closer and sinks down on another bar stool, meanwhile Wonho disappears behind the counter to get a second cup.

 

"Sometimes I keep sitting here for a while after closing hours. It's kind of comforting. The smell. Having no one around.", he pours water in to another cup and hangs the tea bag inside. " In the end I just wished one person was around."

 

He cried earlier, Changkyun can see. His eyes are slightly puffy.

 

"Here you go."

 

Wonho offers him the cup. His smile accompanying that isn't fake, but it doesn't fully reach his eyes. He is back from behind the counter and takes his former seat next to Changkyun.

 

" My boyfriend died last year. Car accident.", he tells Changkyun and the other quietly listens. " Some days I miss him too much to handle. And still… I'm glad I don't have to regret anything. I guess he always knew how much I loved him."

 

Fresh tears drop next to his cup, and Changkyun silently leaves him be because now he can at least partly understand where that deep sadness he so often radiates is coming from.  
  
  


1-7

 

 

 

You can still run after your body reached that point of every fiber and muscle screaming in agony at you to stop, Changkyun learns today. You can still go a tiny bit faster, even though your legs want nothing more than to give out under you and your breath is a sharp knife cutting into your lungs.

 

Changkyun keeps running.

 

There are not a lot of other options he has at the moment.

 

They almost had him at the last corner he passed, where he slid into the wall and used the impact to push himself further.

 

Just a bit longer.

 

Just a bit faster.

 

One more abandoned alley and he will have outrun them.

 

He almost laughs out loud at the ridiculousness that  today's night is and even though he is in so much pain right now he doesn't regret one minute of it because they got back a tiny bit of what they deserved.

 

A heavy body tackles him from the side and before he can even barely realise that he is on the ground, and a horrible pain pierces through the back of his head where he came into contact with the pavement.

 

He groans, is disoriented just long enough for the body to move from where it is heavily lying on top of him. The next second a hand grabs him by the collar and harshly pulls him into a sitting position.

 

" You got one second to give my fucking money back."

 

Changkyuns head lolls to the side. He is still seeing stars but that doesn't keep the chuckle from escaping from his lips.

 

" Try me."

 

"Piece of shit."

 

His head collides with the pavement again and by this time he is pretty sure that the next hit will be the last.

 

Regret?

 

No.

 

There is not a lot he regrets. Maybe that a better life just started and he won't be able to see it until the end.

 

The heavy weight is back on him and he can't breath.

 

A moment longer and it will be done.

 

But...

 

There is something.

 

Or more like someone.

 

"Changkyun?! You alright there?!"

 

Changkyun blinks into the light of the streetlamp above him. It hurts his eyes and he can only make out a silhouette, hazy against the dark night sky.

 

The heavy weight is being pulled off him finally he can breath again. Greedily, he sucks in the much needed air. Then, his head sinks back to the ground. Maybe he should let his body faint. The relief of it is tempting.

 

''Changkyun?! Hey!“ Cold hands softly hit his cheeks, carefully lift his upper body until he finally finds some sort of comfort in warm arms.

 

" Hey. Stop freaking me out and say something!"

 

It is Jooheon.

 

Changkyun can't remember a moment he was happier to see him… he can't remember any moment he was happier to see anyone by his side. All of sudden there is a lump in his throat and before he can even try to stop himself thick dears drop down his cheeks.

 

 

 

 

1-8

 

 

 

 

" You're sure you don't want to go to a hospital? I think you should be fine but I am not a doctor. You could still have a concussion.", Minhyuk softly turns Changykuns head from one side to another. " He got you pretty bad."

 

“ I feel better already.“

 

Jooheon brought Changkyun back to the coffee shop when he was sure the other wouldn't collapse the second he is back on his feet.  
  
“ You were lucky that it happened close to the shop and Jooheon was close by.“ Minhyuk continues, voice laced with worry.

 

'' Pieces of shit...“, Jooheon growls next to him, fury visible in his eyes. '' Don't worry, Changkyun. They won't hurt you again.“

 

Changkyun doesn't question that. Maybe tomorrow, but he can't find the need at the moment. There are other thoughts occupying his head.

 

Why is he here with them now? Why are all three of them staying by his side? Why does he feel so damn save?

 

Changkyun isn't sure yet what it is that pulls him to the three. He hasn't known them long enough for the amount of trust he has in them, has he?

 

He shouldn't trust them too much, should he?

 

'' What happened, Changkyun?“ Wonho asks gently.

 

For a child that grew up like him, that learned that only himself will love him and no one else, it is difficult to understand that there could be people out there that care for him. That care for him enough to help him without wanting anything in return. There have been a few like them before, and so many more that weren't.

 

His gaze falls on his hands again. Minhyuk carefully put band aids on them. When he fell he scarped up the tender skin. Earlier it hurt but now there is only a thriving pain left. Same goes for his head.

 

Wonhos hands are warm on his knees, so warm. Secretly Changkyun wished that Minhyuk would give him a hug again, like earlier when Jooheon somehow got him into the already empty coffee shop and the blonde legitimately freaked out when he saw them.

 

Even Wonho came for him...

 

All those years trying to live without almost anyone and he still craves for the warmth like a child.

 

He shouldn't fully trust them, but he wants to.

 

" If you want a big story then I have to disappoint you.", he starts, still avoiding their gazes. " To be honest, he was right about chasing me. I took his money while he wasn't paying attention and made a run for it. He wasn't supposed to notice but did."

 

" Why would you do that?" Wonho continues asking, not loosing any of the softness in his voice.

 

It is this softness that the older always displays that makes Changkyun crack the second time that evening.

 

It is not happening from one second to another.

 

First, he averts his gaze to the floor, tries with all of his might to block them out, to block everything out because he still doesn't fully trust them, how could he believe he could, he can't fully trust them, he won't, he will take back the internal decision he made earlier.

 

Then, as if something breaks the pressure behind his eyes grows stronger, and he starts to get restless on his chair. He wants to be anywhere but here. Far away from they warm gazes, the understanding. Right now he doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

The last straw is Jooheons warm hand on his shoulder.

 

Before he knows, hot tears drop down Changkyuns cheeks. Desperately he tries to fight them with his sleep sleeves but it is futile. So he keeps crying and they let him.

 

" He deserved it… he deserved it so much..He deserves so much more…"

 

 

 

1-9

 

 

Half an hour later Changkyun is puffy eyed, rid of all the tears and embarrassed to no end.

 

" I'm sorry." he mumbles for the nth time, but Minhyuk just chuckles and pats his back.

 

" What needs to get out needs to get out. Your boss over there - ", he points at Wonho with his thumb. " - still cries over the lion king."

 

"That was one time!"  Wonho protests.

 

“ One time?“

 

The one hand holding onto Changkyun stays in place and the younger is more than thankful for that. Wonhos hands are warm and give him a lot of comfort. A lot like Hyungwons hands do.

 

 

" You're okay now?"

 

Changkyun slightly winces when Wonho addresses him all of sudden. Thinking about Wonhos and Hyungwons hands, he did not realise that both already had finished their small quarrel.

 

" I'm… okay…"

 

Yes. Thinks aren't perfect yet but a bit of the pressure is gone now.

 

" Good."

 

Wonho gaze stays on him and Changkyun slides a bit further down in his chair.

 

" Changkyun. We have to respect that you don't want to tell us what is going on. But please know that we won't judge you and you can always come and talk to us and if we can we will help you."

 

Jooheon and Minhyuk nod in unison at his words.

 

" We don't want you to get hurt anymore than you are already. And I hope you can trust us enough one day to reveal your secret."

 

Maybe because he is tired and hurting and wants nothing more than to lie down, but another time Changkyun lets the feeling of solitude freely roam through his body.

 

He attempts to smile, as far as his hurting face allows him to.

 

“ Thank you.“

 

Wonho gets up from his seat and reaches out for Changkyun.

 

" Let's go, it's late.“

 

Without protesting Changkyuns lets himself get pulled back on his feet. He doesn't have a lot of energy left to resist either way.

 

He slowly follows Wonho and Minhyuk over to the door, supported by a still overly worried Jooheon.

 

Then, when he almost reached the door his gaze gets stuck on a small picture in the far corner of the room, hidden by a big plant. It is so small that in between all the other pictures, he never really paid close attention to it but now he can't help but to stop and stare at it.

 

He narrows his eyes and moves a bit closer, Jooheons hand still on his shoulder.

 

You can see Jooheon, Minhyuk, Wonho and someone else in their middle, someone awfully familiar to Changkyun.

 

He points at it and slowly turns to the others that still patiently wait for him. 

 

" You know Kihyun?“

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, dark thoughts and everything related to that!!! Also, I have not proofread this yet ( my bed is calling) but I hope you still enjoy~

 

 

 

2-1

 

Wonho can't remember the first two weeks after Kihyuns sudden death.

Now, over a year later all that is left of those days is a black void in his mind. How he survived those first hours, the funeral, the feeling of being ripped apart over and over again, he might never remember. Sometimes a picture pops up in his mind because of a song he hears in the radio, because of something someone sad, because of a smell. He sees himself sitting at the table, Minhyuk that answers the phone. Glass that splinters on the floor, loud screaming and wailing, maybe his own, maybe someone else's.

But other than that, there is no memory, only darkness. Maybe his brain simply doesn't want him to live through hell another time.

After two weeks of pitch blackness there are the first memories he manages to remember.

Holding onto Kihyuns pillow in between agonizing cries, desperate when the smell seems to vanish more with every passing day.

Someone lying next to him, holding him until he falls asleep for a few wonderful hours in which Kihyun never got into that car, in which he laughs and hugs Wonho and tells him that everything was a simple nightmare and that he should stop worrying.

It is warm and quiet during those moments, so perfect, but even in his dream Wonho wonders in confusion why his body seems to hurt like hell.

Then he wakes up and realizes that the pain has been the only true part of it all.

Kihyun will not tell him that everything was a bad dream. He will not tell him anything again and sometimes the thought is so bad that Wonho throws up the bit of food that he managed to eat, while Jooheon or Minhyuk caress his back in a soothing manner that brings no relief at all.

Day by day passes and some time Wonho gets up and finally leaves their bedroom.

Not because he is feeling better but because of the thoughts that won't calm down no matter what he does, that torment him when he is not breaking down in another crying fit.

Kihyun, Kihyun, everywhere, nowhere.

He drinks until he is almost loosing conscience, but he won't feel better. He sees him everywhere, sitting on the sofa, in the kitchen next to the stove, hears him calling something to him from the bathroom after the third bottle of whatever alcohol he bought himself. Minhyuk finds him on the bathroom floor, crying, too drunk to get up, never drunk enough to forget.

The days go by.

The pain doesn't.

It changes, covers Wonho like mist, separates him from everything.

It turns Wonho quiet.

Lifeless.

Thoughts cross his mind that shouldn't be there.

They don't leave him alone any more. Sometimes there is all of them, then only his father, or Minhyuk. They try to talk to him, try to take his thoughts away but he doesn't talk, clutches Kihyuns shirt and stares at the wall.

They don't understand, Wonho catches himself thinking. They want to but won't understand. Kihyun has always been by his side. Life without Kihyun, how could it be possible?

Then there is anger, the kind that you can't control, unleashing at everyone. Minhyuk, because he didn't stop Kihyun from getting into the car, Jooheon because he wasn't there that day, his Dad because he showed up and pulled him into all of this, everyone that did not bring Kihyun back to him safely, himself because he couldn't protect him.

Himself the most because Kihyun was alone.

He had to leave all alone when Wonho should have been with him.

Things fly, words get exchanged that should have never been said. He screams and rages but they won't leave him, lay next to him when the anger vanishes and he falls into bed with no energy left, silently pleading for anyone to bring him back, because how should he live like this? How could anyone expect him to continue this hell, without him? Just like that, as if he had never been there in the first place.

But nothing will bring him back.

Kihyun is gone and Wonho will never talk to him again.

He has another mental breakdown when that thought finally settles in, how cruel it might be.

After three months Minhyuk finally forces him out of the with the words, that Kihyun would have done the same, and as cliche as it sounds, Wonho knows that he is right.

He functions through the day and cries at night in the silence of their room in which no one quietly sings any more.

The thoughts disappear and after a while he catches himself laughing about something.

But the missing never gets better and Wonho is sure that this is how the rest of his life will look like.

His father keeps asking him to just join the business again, that he would feel better if Wonho would be closer to his side, but that is something Wonho can't do.

He takes some of the money of which he has way too much and opens a store far away from any trouble were he finds at least some kind of peace.

Kihyuns grave he never visits. He will not be able to handle the pain, he is sure of it.

And then Changkyun shows up.

 

2- 2

 

Wonho stays in the door way, the door handle in his hand, waiting for the others to follow him but Changkyun doesn't move from his spot close to the wall.

Wonho knows perfectly well which picture hangs right there and a sudden wave of pain rushes through him and makes him want to leave the room as fast as possible before Changkyun can ask any question about the stranger in the picture he has never met before.

He merely manages to tighten his grip on the door handle though.

'' You know Kihyun?“

The breath gets stuck in Wonhos lungs and for an agonizing second he forgets how to keep breathing. Then he remembers, and a new stream of fresh air fills his lungs, together with a sudden urge to grab Changkyun by the collar only to shake him, to yell at him about daring to use his name just like that without preparing him.

Then, a second later he realises that Kihyun is gone.

Gone, gone, gone.

Even if Changkyun knows someone that bears a resemblance to him, even if someone has the same name, even if Changkyun would talk about him everyday.

There is no use.

'' He never leaves, though.“, Changkyun walks a bit closer to the picture, eyes narrowed. '' He doesn't look as thin. When did you take that picture?“

Wonho can feel Minhyuks and Jooheons pitiful gazes on himself. He shakes his head to indicate them that he is fine.

Fine enough not to run into the night like he wants to.

'' Changkyun.“

He releases the door handle and slowly approaches the boy who still eyes the picture. '' You remember what I told you a while ago. When we sat here and drank some coffee?“

Changkyun averts his gaze from the picture and meets Wonhos. '' Yeah.“

A smile grazes Wonhos lips when he takes in the picture. It is the only one left for everyone to see. He couldn't handle to see his face everywhere around him but this one he couldn't bear to take from the wall. He softly touches the frame while he tries to bear a flashback of a warm summer day at the beach, bonfire and too much ice cream running through his body in another jolt of pain.

''I told you about my boyfriend that died.“

Changkyun first only looks at him, than something seems to hit him and his eyes widen. Wonho simply nods, sparing himself the answer.

It has been the first time in a while that he managed to put it into words.

'' I think... you're confusing someone.“

Changkyuns gaze wanders from him to the picture and back to Wonho. He swallows heavily.

''I'm sorry... I didn't mean to.“

'' It is okay. No harm is done.“

The wound can't get any bigger either way.

'' But...“, Changkyun slightly tilts his head, then shakes it as if he doesn't fully agree with something. '' I'm sorry, but...“

He pulls his mobile out of his pocket and unlocks the screen. Wonho waits quietly until he found what he was looking for.

It seems to be a picture, Wonho can't really make out a lot from his angle.

Changkyun stares at his mobile for what feels like a long time.

'' Did I fall too hard... even the hair...“

Something seems to pull Wonho over.

It is ridiculous, he knows himself but still he approaches Changkyun, walks close enough to catch a fleeting gaze of the phone screen. Just a second won't do any harm and then they can leave, forget about the awkward moment and bring Changkyun home so he can finally sleep the shock he obviously experienced off.

He only has to look down onto the lit screen for a moment until everything seems to circle around him, his legs grow weak and he heavily falls against Minhyuk that has the presence of mind to keep him from falling to the ground.

''What's wrong?!“ Minhyuks grap on his shoulders is iron, the support the only thing that keeps Wonho on his feet.

He would recognize him anywhere, no matter the angle, the direction. He looked at the pictures that he has left of him, at the videos, so often that his features have imprinted, burned themselves into his brain, if they had not yet done it before.

And there he is, on Changkyuns phone and...

Wonhos stomach doubles up and he barely manages to stumble over to the wall across the room before he throws up the food he managed to eat that day.

'' What the-“

Jooheon hurries over to him, a second pair of hands for support when Minhyuk can't seem to hold him up any more.

" What the hell is wrong with with him?" Jooheons gaze searches for Minhyuk but the other can only helplessly shake his head, not having any more clues than Jooheon.

" Wait a second."

Jooheon reaches for some tissues on a nearby table and is by Wonhos side a second later. He softly wipes over Wonhos mouth while Minhyuk takes a few tissues out of his hands to hide the mess on the floor. It isn't a lot he has to cover up, Wonho still doesn't eat too much, but the latter doesn't care about it any way, his gaze is back on Changkyun.

The youngest has long since retreated from them, his face paler than it has been before. His eyes are wide open as if he is close to another mental breakdown.

" Drink."

Someone presses a bottle against Wonhos lips. Before he fully realizes he drinks a few sips, only to push the bottle first and then Jooheon aside, eyes not leaving Changkyun.

" The picture…", he manages to press through, barely a whisper over the rushing in his ears.  
" The picture… let me see it again… please. The picture."

" Wonho." Minhyuk asks nervously. " You're scaring me."

" Kihyun. He… the picture."

Wonho manages to push himself back on his feet, reaches out for Changkyun with shaking fingers.

" Please. Let me see it again. Please…"

What a cruel joke...

He will take another look at the phone and he will realize that he made a mistake. Like so often on the streets in the first months after his... after the day when he thought he saw Kihyun on the other side of the road and ran over, feeling nothing but hope because it couldn't be true, could it? How could Kihyun be gone?

He ran after them, all of them, and when they turned around the view of the strangers faces broke Wonhos heart over and over again.

Or at least broke what was left of it.

Not that he had tried to fix it in the beginning.

This will be the same and the feeling of utter agony scares him so much that he almost doesn't reach out for Changkyun. He doesn't want to be ripped into two again, isn't sure if he can handle it once more.

But maybe, this time it will rip him apart for real and he can finally find some peace.

" Please.", he repeats, his begging firmer. " Can I see again?"

Changkyun retreats another step and Wonho can't blame him for that.

" Please." he pleads another time.

Changkyun carefully lifts his hand with the device in them, fingers still tightly clenched around it.

 

" Wonho. Can you tell right fucking now what the hell is going on with you? You're as white as a fucking sheet of paper!"

Minhyuks words drown in the background when Changkyun slowly hands his phone over to Wonho.

Just one second.

In one second it will be over.

Finally this will find an end.  
He carefully takes the phone, cautiously and only pauses another second before he takes another look at it.

2-3

There are only a few Jooheon really cares about. Among those things himself is the least and his friends are the most important.

Kihyuns death tore a deep wound, left him with a feeling of devastation he could barely handle the first days and even a year later no fight, no booze, no other person is able to fill up the void. Kihyun will forever leave an empty space he doesn't want to and can't fill.

Jooheon almost looses it over the fact that he can't help Wonho.

He himself broke down under the pain but Wonho has experienced agony on a whole new level.

Kihyuns death took a whole world with him.

No... it took the world, tore it apart, crumpled it up and then threw it away like a piece of trash and Jooheon feels so unbelievable stupid for being shocked by it, because how could Wonho have felt any different? Kihyun could have not taken less than his whole world.

They were a unit, from day one, destined to be together and if someone had asked Jooheon about how he imagined a relationship he would die to have it would have been them he would have described.

They can only watch when Wonho slowly goes down the drain. He, who had always been their family when there was no one else now seemed to be beyond repair.

They take parts the first days in being next to him, try to get him to eat, to sleep, to stop crying.

At night, Jooheon lies behind him, slowly runs a hand over Wonhos back while he himself cries silent tears into his pillow about the fact that he won't see Kihyun again.

When Wonho turns silent, too silent and they won't leave him alone any more out of the fear that he will do something to himself, he starts to hope with all of his might that he will soon forget about Kihyun because this is not a life he will be able to live.

As cruel as it sounds, but it will be better when time goes by, and Wonho forgets about his smell, about his voice, and how is body felt next to him.

He was doing better lately. Not that he became the same person again. But sometimes he could go for  week with no one sleeping next to him. He did some work, talked to some people. Last month, they watched a movie together and for a small second there was something like a smile playing around his lips that had been gone a moment later as if he couldn't allow himself to be happy again. But Jooheon saw it and he swore to himself that he will make things better again.

He can't understand why Wonho breaks down all of sudden after looking at the phone again, why he starts crying uncontrollably on the floor as if he had gotten the message a mere hour ago.

He reacts fast, just the way he has learned in his kind of business over the years. There, he already pushes Changkyun to the wall bluntly, his forearm against the youngers throat.

" What the fuck did you do?!" he hisses, venom in his words.

Changkyun desperately tries to squirm out of is grip.

" I don't know!", he can barely talk due to the pressure on his throat. " He wanted to see the picture… please… I don't know!"

" Spit it out!"

"I don't know!"

"Jooheon! Stop!"

One of Minhyuks yells and he releases the younger who sinks to the floor in a coughing fit.

" Look." Minhyuk says, a still crying Wonho in his arms. He gently wrings the phone from his fingers and hands it to Jooheon.

" It's…", he pauses mid sentence, wets his lips before he continues talking  " You have to look."  
“ Why do I have to-“  
'' Take a damn look!“  
Hesitantly Jooheon stays at the same spot a moment longer. Then, after sending Changkyun another doubtful glare he makes his way over to Minhyuk and takes the phone.  
His mouth runs dry in an instant.  
First, his gaze met that of Changkyun, brightly smiling on the picture he seems to have taken himself. He has his arm around someone else, and first Jooheon only wants to fleetingly look at the other person but then something pulls his gaze over and with what feels like a punch into his gut his eyes zoom in onto him.  
'' What the-“  
His hair is darker, his face looks thinner, but in that second Jooheon would bet on Wonhos life that it is Kihyun he is just looking at.

 

2-4

 

Kihyun decides that today might be the day he will end everything.

 

The pain disappeared a while ago, took the tears, the insomnia, the questions, and left only him behind.

Empty.

And it is good like that.

Emptiness offers silence, Emptiness brings salvation. Emptiness takes your happiness, but also the pain. Emptiness makes it hard to get up in the morning, but emptiness fights the nightmares.

Emptiness became his most faithful accompany. The most faithful he will ever have, because one thing he is sure about.

It will never leave him.

He doesn't know, how long he has been sitting on the rooftop. It could be one hour, maybe two. He isn't really sure any more. The cigarette pack he brought with him is already half empty and he regrets that he smoked them too fast. Actually, he regrets ever starting that godforsaken habit but people make mistakes, he guesses.

He doesn't sit too close to the edge. If the people down there see him, they might cause a ruckus and he really doesn't have the nerve for police officers next to him, trying to calm him down enough to climb from the wall too many stores above the ground.

They cannot calm someone down who isn't the least bit agitated.

Kihyun tried to find it, the slightest bit of sadness about where he is, about what he is about to do, but the pain of his most probably broken ribs covers everything else. He slips out his tongue, tastes the already dried blood on his lips. It has happened a lot of times already, today one time too often.

He wonders, if some people just aren't meant to be in this world. That everything that happens to them day in and day out is just to remind them that they aren't welcome here.

The thought makes Kihyun hate everything a little less. If he hasn't been welcome from the beginning, how could he possibly hate all of the scum that brought him this far? Maybe, just maybe they are only doing their jobs and he is in the way. Maybe he did things in his past he shouldn't have.

He wouldn't know.

He hears the sounds of steps a whole while before someone opens the heavy door from the inside.

Of course they would find him.

One of them always does.

Now Kihyun knows that he won't jump any more. Not when someone watches he at least slightly cares about.

But he wants to stay up here a bit longer.

Only a bit longer before he has to go back.

His black hair is always the first thing that Kihyun notices. Hair, that shines in the sun. Hair that is taken care of, healthy hair.

Kihyun almost feels sorry for Hyungwon that he had to find him like this.

" What are you doing there?"

Hyungwons voice has always been soft around him, not the rough tone he is using out in the streets.

" Sitting." Kihyun answers.

He knew someone else's presence would awake something in him, awake feelings that he didn't want to bring up here with him.

His throat feels dry all of sudden, and it hurts when he swallows. Kihyun hasn't cried for a long time, but he is still human, his body reminds him an awful lot of time. The knot in his throat he can hardly ignore.

" Why are you sitting there?", Hyungwon asks further " It's dangerous. You could fall."

He ducks his head when a breeze comes up. It is quiet cold up here but Kihyun doesn't really care.

" That was the intention."

He shouldn't tell him.

People that think about killing themselves shouldn't pull those around down with them, or so he was told. Still, he can't keep it in. He almost chuckles to himself. Is he really trying to get someone to save him? To tell him not to jump? Still?

" Are you going to jump?"

" Depends."

" On what?"

" I'm not sure." Kihyun says calmly, his gaze wanders over the skyscrapers around them. The afternoon sun draws a soft glim on them.

" I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe for the right moment. No one ever told me how to do this."

" Do you really want to simply die?" The other asks, still remaining at the same spot, strangely collected.

Kihyun thinks for a moment.

Does he want to?

No. That has never been the problem.

" It's not like I want to die. But I don't seem to be able to live."

" That is wrong and you know it.", Hyungwon points at the spot next to him. " Can I come over?"

Kihyun shrugs and watches him as he passes the distance between them and leans against the wall.

" Why are you up here?"

" Knew you'd be here.", he looks up into the sky." Heard the guy bragging about you. And since I promised Changkyun to look after you here I am."

He turns to Kihyun and for a moment Kihyun catches himself thinking, that in another time, at another place, they could become friends.

" You do not want to jump."

" What makes you think so?" Kihyun draws invisible lines on the stone with his finger.

" You've survived worse than that shithead."

Their gazes meet.

" Will you come down?"

Kihyun doesn't react to it.

They stay like that for a moment, Hyungwon leaning against the wall and Kihyun staring at the stone, not really knowing anymore what to do or not.

" I don't know what to say." Hyungwon admits after a while. “ And that happens like never.”

" You do not have to say anything."

" But I want to. Because you are sitting up there."

For the first that for a while, a small scratch carves into Kihyuns shell, he so diligently build up.

It is not like he breaks down that moment, not even his face shows the slightest bit of pain, but he can feel it. Something gets through to him.

" You shouldn't be here and you shouldn't want to end your life. I'm angry because they made you feel like this again."

" Why would you be?"

“ Aren't you angry? You're miserable because of them.”

'' Isn't it weak of me to make others responsible for it? Sometimes I believe I'm simply not strong enough for life.“

'' Do you really believe all those down there are stronger than those up here?“

Kihyun doesn't respond to that. He simply doesn't know.

'' They're not.“, Hyungwon continues. '' The circumstances are different.''

Hyungwon looks at him the same way Changkyun does. Slightly warm, mixed with curiousty, and sadness. Kihyun keeps searching for the pity, the disgust, But there is nothing like that and all of sudden Kihyun wishes that Hyungwon would save him.

Only today.

Only one more time.

That he will pull him down and lead him down the staircase.

Afterwards he can simply leave him. As soon as the doors close behind them Kihyun will not go back on to the rooftop. At least for a while.

'' I know you're not getting better through me talking to you but -“, Hyungwon offers his hand to him. '' Do you want to get down from there at least? I have to admit it makes me kind of nervous.“

And Kihyun does as Hyungwon told him.

“ Live on.”

He reaches out for his hand, holds tightly on to it as the other pulls him down, carefully so he won't put to much pressure on his bad leg.

“ Live on. Even if it is just for a bit and even if it is just to show those fuckers that they can't fully break you.”

Kihyun spares himself the answer to that. Both of them are not into promises that can't be kept in the end.

But deep down, where no one can see, he stores that tiny bit of hope that flared up for the shortest second.

A while longer.

Maybe things will change.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
